Author: Paul David Tripp

Year of Publication: 1997

Publisher: P&R Publishing

Pages: 293

Author’s Web-site: http://www.paultrippministries.org

Languages: English

You should read this book if you…

Have teenagers or children that are about to be teenagers and you want to learn how to communicate with your child in a way that builds your relationship with them and encourages them to draw closer to God.

“In a nut shell”…

This book helps parents identify and deal with sin in their own life that hinders their relationship with their child and with God. Parents can then more effectively take advantage of opportunities to apply God’s word to the struggles of the teenage years and focus on the ultimate goal of parenting, helping our children have a heart for God.

Key Ideas…

The teenage years provide great opportunities to guide children. However, sin in the parent’s life keeps them from taking advantage of those opportunities. God’s plan suggests that children will learn the most fundamental principles of life in the context of family: how everything is connected to God, how to love one another, and how to go to Jesus for forgiveness for sin.

Parents need to guide their children to find their hope in Christ during the struggles of the teen years. Teenagers tend to focus on appearance, possessions and acceptance, but there is a much deeper spiritual struggle for their hearts underlying all these issues. Parents need to help teenagers identify things in the culture that have a negative influence on them, guide them in applying God’s word to specific situations, and coach them in applying wisdom to challenges they face so they develop their own personal convictions.

The ultimate goal of parenting is for our teens to develop a deep and sincere hunger to know, love and honor God. Parents should help teenagers identify areas of needed growth before they are ready to leave home. Parents need to be in constant conversation with their child that continually leads them to repentance and hope

Action Steps…

Identify the idols described in Chapter 2 that are relevant to you as a parent: comfort, respect, appreciation, success, and control.

Go to your child and confess the sins in your own heart that are hindering your relationship with them.

Take the time to find out what your child is thinking about a specific struggle they are experiencing and determine how to apply God’s word to that situation.

Read through the negative attitudes of teens in Chapter 9 (relativism, individualism, emotionalism, presentism, materialism, autonomy, and victimism) and identify the fruit you see in your child and the alternatives presented in the Bible.

How this has changed my parenting…

It is has helped me identify the sin in my own life that needed to be addressed as my children approached the teen years. It has helped me take the time to talk with my children about what they are thinking and struggling with and helped me to focus on the ultimate priority of parenting, that they will have a heart for God.

© 2014 The Family Resource Library

 

Book Title: Boundaries with Kids

Author: Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Zondervan

Pages: 224

Author’s Web-site: http://www.cloudtownsend.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to provide your children with a safe environment to learn right from wrong, danger from safety, good from better and life from death.  The book also helps you teach your children to take responsibility and develop character

“In a nut shell”…

The book explains how to set boundaries with your children and instill the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.

Key Ideas…

When you set boundaries for your child, he actually feels more loved and secure, not less.  Part of the difficulty of parenting is tolerating and enduring your child’s hatred of your boundaries. Your child will test your resolve so he can learn about reality. Your job is to withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums, etc.

It is important to teach the lesson of consequences to your child. Don’t get emotional or nag. Empathize with the child, but make sure the behavior costs the child the opportunity to do something that she valued.

Make consequences the natural outflow of the crime. If child is always late for dinner, he may have to miss dinner.  Always follow through on promised consequences.

Save consequences for serious offenses. Should be for behavior that is in danger of becoming a bad character pattern.

Give immediate consequences.

Talk to your child about misbehavior at a time when child is not misbehaving.

Make honesty the norm in your family’s daily life and set strong limits on dishonesty.

You want your child to develop a desire to do the right things and to avoid the wrong ones because of love for others and God.

Help child see that life isn’t about avoiding pain. Life isn’t about avoiding suffering, but about learning to suffer well.

Action Steps…

Identify character qualities that you want your children to have as adults, and help them begin developing those qualities now (when they are young). Example of qualities to develop: loving, responsible, respectful of authority, initiating (the ability to begin things), growing, oriented to Biblical truth, order life around God.

Always combine love with limits.

When you present boundaries to your child:

State the issue in specific terms.

Make your expectations clear.

Write down what will happen when child doesn’t meet your expectations—lose privileges, etc. The punishment should fit the crime. For example, if your child is perpetually late for dinner, he may miss eating it one night. If your daughter doesn’t do her chores around the house, she may lose a privilege the rest of the family gets. If she begins working on a school project at the last minute, she may get a bad grade. Set up positive consequences for success in meeting expectations.

Quotables…

“Honesty begins with parents who model it, require it from their children, and provide them with a safe environment in which to be honest. By and large, all children hide the truth when it threatens them. So parents need to create a context in which a child’s natural tendency to hide can be overcome. This requires a delicate balance between safety and standards.”  Pg 34

“Give freedom, require responsibility, render consequences and be loving throughout.” Pg 65

“Give a person grace (unmerited favor) and truth (structure), and do that over time, and you have the greatest chance of this person growing into a person of good character. Grace includes support, resources, love, compassion, forgiveness, and all of the relational sides of God’s nature. Truth is the structure of life; it tells us how we are supposed to live our lives and how life really works.”  Pg 67-68

Miscellaneous…

If you have a conflict with your child, be kind and loving, but remain strong enough to let them know that their feelings haven’t driven you away. Leave your pride somewhere else.  After the conflict, bond with your child. Let your child know that your relationship is more important than this conflict. Your love will remain after this conflict is past.

The solution for entitlement (thinking you deserve something) is humility.  Your child needs to know that, while he has legitimate needs, he isn’t entitled to anything.

Keep the limit and empathize with how the child is feeling—love and limits.  If you don’t let your own anger, shame or justification get in the way, the limit becomes the adversary, not Mom.  Empathy keeps you out of a power struggle with the child.

How this has changed my parenting…

Part of the challenge of parenting is tolerating and enduring your child’s hatred of your boundaries.  Your child will test your resolve so he can learn about reality.  You must withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums, etc.  I tend to be over-sensitive and take things personally, so this was a good lesson for me to separate my emotions and stick to my boundaries.

When children make bad choices, empathize with their loss.  Ex: that’s sad not getting to play today.  I know.  I feel for you missing the game.  I hate it when I don’t get to do something I want.  I bet you are hungry.  I hate missing a meal too.  It is important to empathize and stick with your boundaries at the same time—this keeps you close to your child in the midst of discipline.

Give rewards for: acquiring new skills and performing exceptionally.  Ok to reward 2-year old for potty training.  Do not give rewards for: doing the age-appropriate requirements (such as living skills) and doing what is expected (such as work).  I thought this was an important point because so often children get rewarded for doing things they should be doing anyway.  This taught me to only reward in certain circumstances.  Otherwise, the child may develop a nature of entitlement.

Don’t give the child the impression that you love her perfect, performing parts more than you do her mediocre, stumbling parts.  I tend to be a perfectionist and hard on myself, and do not want to translate that to parenting!  This point will be useful as my children try things and fail—if I let them know I love them just as much then as when they do something well, they won’t be afraid to try new things.

Follow up on promised consequences.  It is so easy not to follow through when my child looks at me with tear-filled eyes, but I have to remember that it won’t help him if I don’t stick with the original consequences.

 © 2011 The Family Project

Author: Dr. James Dobson

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois

Pages: 257

Author’s Web-site: http://www.focusonthefamily.org

Languages: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Are the parent of a boy raising them in today’s fast paced and postmodern society.

“In a nut shell”…

Dr. Dobson writes this book with the perspective that boys are in “serious trouble today” due to several different factors in today’s fast paced and postmodern society.

He attributes the main factors to be the feminist movement, the breakdown of the family, absent and disengaged fathers, coupled with the frantic pace of life that today’s society has fostered.

In less than 20 chapters, Dr. Dobson will address the following topics: boys and girls are different; the roles of father and mother in the lives of their sons; competition; issues of homosexuality; single parenting; harried life styles; discipline; predators of boys; and boys in school.

Key Ideas…

Today’s parents of boys are shaping the next generation of men.

Boys and girls are very different and as parents we should understand those differences in relation to boys (especially three physical and biological features and processes that operate from within).

Boys are “men-in-training” and their aggressive nature prepares them for the “provision and protection” roles to come.

Fathers are essential to the life of boys especially during particularly vulnerable periods in the boys life (puberty and just after 3-5 yrs. of age).

Our objective as parents is to “transform our sons from immature youngsters to honest, caring men, respectful of women, faithful in marriage, strong leaders and men secure in their masculinity.” Pg 245

As difficult as this objective may seem, Dr. Dobson encourages parents that this can be accomplished, with the wisdom and guidance from the ultimate Father, God.

Action Steps…

Boys have the same ability to ignore their moms (as their dads do) so reach out physically and touch your boys to get their attention and give your message in short bursts.

Help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling, and yelling are acceptable.

Protect family mealtimes; make them a priority.

Don’t let a harried life styles take over your family life, stay close.

Quotables…

“As these stories illustrate, one of the scariest aspects of raising boys is their tendency to risk life and limb for no good reason.” Pg 4

“It is far easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Pg 60

“Your boys and girls need to see you doing what is right, even when it is inconvenient to do so.” Pg 70

“‘Letting go’ works best as a gradual process. It’s time to get started.” Pg 110

“Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” Pg 217

“Cherish every moment and hug your kids while you can.” Pg 257

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

Prison minister Bill Glass found that among thousands of prisoners not one of them genuinely loved his dad, and 95% of those on death row hated their fathers. In 1998, statistics showed that 98.6% of prisoners are male.

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health research found in preventing harmful behavior: The presence of parents is very beneficial at four key times of the day – early morning, after school, dinnertime, and bedtime.

Harvard Graduate School of Education professor, Dr. Catherine Snow found that dinner time was of more value to child development than playtime, school, or story time.

Note: These are all American-based studies

Miscellaneous…

Each chapter includes questions asked by real parents and answers (by Dr. Dobson) relevant to the topic at hand. Such as:

Are boys really fundamentally different from girls? If so, how?

What role does competition play in a boy’s development?

What is a father’s unique contribution to parenting a son?

What effect does today’s harried lifestyle have on boys?

What are the effects of divorce on boys?

What’s the best way to educate boys?

And many more questions….

How this has changed my parenting…

I have learned to let go and let my boys “be boys” and celebrate their differences!

© 2014 The Family Resource Library

Book Title: Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down

Author: Dr. Kevin Leman

Year of Publication: 1995

Publisher: Thomas Nelson Publishers

Pages: 353

Author’s Web-site: http://www.lemanbooksandvideos.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn how to give your children a good self-image in order to help raise confident, capable and responsible young adults.

“In a nut shell”…

Dr. Leman explains how important it is to give your children a good self-image. He describes it as giving your children self-esteem insurance. He gives examples on how to develop a positive relationship with your kids while handling discipline, responsibility, praise and many other parenting skills.

Key Ideas…

A healthy self-image doesn’t breed selfishness or arrogance. In fact, it prevents it. A healthy self-image breeds confident, self-respecting children that are not conceited or arrogant. As parents, it is our responsibility to find a way to give our children a good self-image by the way we encourage, discipline, listen, respect and respond to our children. We must find a discipline system that is neither authoritarian nor permissive.

Most children have two basic needs: I am lovable and I am worthwhile.

Children’s self-images have a direct effect on their behavior, good or bad. All behavior has a purpose and when children misbehave they have one of four goals in mind:

gaining attention

using power to control

avoiding pressure and expectations by appearing to be inadequate

seeking revenge

All children are born as attention-getters. How you respond to their attempts to get attention has a direct correlation on whether their attention-getting behavior will be negative or positive. Don’t overreact to what your child says or does, and try to show interest without putting on pressure.

Action Steps…

The aspects of a healthy self-image are acceptance and affirmation, belonging and competence. Children who feel accepted and affirmed know that they are lovable and that mom and dad care about them. This is done through encouraging, hugging, and spending time with your children. A feeling of belonging is one of the earliest building blocks in anyone’s self-image. The best way to develop this feeling for your children is to make them feel like they belong to your family. When a child feels he belongs, he tells himself, “I am worth something. I’m important. I fit in.” This will also help your child deal with the inevitable rejection he will face at some point out in the world. Children with a good self-image are capable and they tell themselves, “I can do it!” Being able to do something and achieve something, no matter how small, makes you feel worthwhile.

Six Basic Rules for a Functional Family:

Be firm but fair

Ask – and give – respect

Learn from mistakes

What you see is what you get

Real love includes limits

Walk, don’t just talk, your values

The Golden Rule of Parenting: Treat your kids as you would want to be treated.

There must be a balance between love and limits. Loving your children does not mean giving them everything they want or doing everything for them.

Six Principles of Reality Discipline:

You are in healthy authority over your kids

Hold children accountable for their actions

Let reality be the teacher

Use action, not words

Stick to your guns

Relationships come before rules

You can’t teach your children to be responsible; you give your children responsibility and let them learn how to handle it.

Quotables…

Dr. Dinkmeyer says, “A child who sees himself as worthwhile and useful has no need to develop destructive patterns. He does not turn to drugs and rebellion. He possesses a cooperative spirit, a sense of responsibility, and positive attitudes towards his family. His relationship with his parents is one of mutual trust and respect.” Pg 5

When you begin to determine your system of disciple, the firm but fair approach allows for a lot of flexibility and the freedom to fail. Children have the freedom to think, ask questions and disagree with parents. They have the freedom to feel angry, frustrated, sad, afraid and can express their feelings in an appropriate way. For example, the firm but fair approach acknowledges the child’s anger and then works out a way for them to express that anger in a nondestructive or nonabusive way. “If you want to scream, you’ll just have to do it in your room. When you calm down, you can rejoin the rest of us and we can talk about it.” Pg 54

To raise children without sound values, beliefs, and morals is to raise children who don’t know what they believe or who they are – both of which are vital parts of a good self-image. Pg 63

There is no better builder of self-image and a sense of self-worth than to know that you are the handiwork of an all-powerful Creator – that you are somebody, not an “it” or an accident. Pg 66

If parents are not willing to take a stand and teach their children such eternal values as morality, where will our children learn them?

How this has changed my parenting…

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily tasks of raising children, that I find myself simply going through the motions many days. This book has helped me realize that I have to make a conscious effort to give my kids a positive self-esteem through the way I parent each of them. I am much more mindful about encouraging my children to complete tasks themselves so they can experience the feeling of accomplishment. I spend more time just hugging and loving my children unconditionally. I think about other specific ways that I can improve my children’s self-image throughout the day.

 © 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Creative Correction

Author: Lisa Whelchel

Year of Publication: 2000

Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers

Pages: 320

Author’s Web-site: http://www.creativecorrection.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Are out of ideas on how to discipline your child and need a fresh perspective.

“In a nut shell”…

This book gives you many different ways to help correct your children as well as provide certain tools like Bible verses and games to help equip you and your child.

Rewarding Extra-Good Behavior: Get a pickle jar, clean it out, and call it the “Pickle a Privilege” jar. Fill it up with little slips of paper with a variety of fun, extra-special privileges written on them.  A few examples are, going to a movie, having a pillow fight, having a soda pop with dinner, etc.

Motivational Rewards: Make a sticker charts with about 20 squares.  Give the child a sticker each time they do a good deed.  Give the child a prize once the chart is complete.

Bible Verses as Models for Good Behavior:

Proverbs 24:3-4 – “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled and with rare and beautiful treasures.” – When your child receives good grades, reward him by allowing him to buy a decoration for his bedroom.

Proverbs1:8-9 – “Listen my son [daughter] to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.  They will b garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.” – When your daughter chooses to obey you rather than go her own way, reward her with the necklace.

Key Ideas…

Every child is unique and may require a different way of correction.  Lisa Whelchel provides insight into her own home and how she handles certain situations such as sibling rivalry and lying.  She also provides the tools on how to handle specific situations in her “Toolbox” section. Here are a few examples that the author provided in her “Toolbox” section:

Sibling Conflict: If one child breaks the other child’s toy.  The child whose toy was broken may choose from any of their sibling’s toy to replace it.

Sibling Conflict: Hugs, even forced ones are good at breaking down barriers.

Sibling Conflict: If you overhear your children arguing, step close enough to let them know you’re listening.  Say that you will give them a few more minutes to work it out on their own.  If they aren’t able to do this, however, you will work the problem out for them, and it probably won’t be fun for either child.

Lying: Make a contract with your child and establish a reasonable punishment for lying and then sign and date the document.  Whenever a situation comes up that would invite lying, simply remind your child of the contract.  Knowing that you will follow through on the penalty may be the extra incentive your child needs to choose to tell the truth.

Action Steps…

Evaluate your priorities – What is our true goal of parenting?

Children respond well to consistency and routine.

Don’t say your going to do anything you can’t carry out.  If you’ve established boundaries ahead of time and consequences for crossing them, be prepared to follow through.

Quotables…

“When deciding what punishment to use, be careful with your child’s feelings.  It’s a delicate balance between reaching the heart and bruising it.” Pg 137

“Developing a big-picture approach to parenting is more than simply pruning our children’s negative traits.  We must also help our kids to develop positive qualities that will constitute their strengths when they are teenagers.” Pg 99

“When getting to the heart of obedience, we also need to instruct our children to be mindful of how their words and actions affect others.” Pg 64

“Be careful not to expect too much from a new pair of shoes: They’re fun to try on, even more fun when they fit, but you won’t know whether they’re truly right for you until you walk in them for a while.” Pg 332

“Fortunately, correction doesn’t always have to involve tears.” Pg 138

Miscellaneous…

Tips on handling a tantrum:

Slamming the door when angry: Have the child open and close the door calmly and completely 100 times.

Throwing fits: Tell your child to go to their room to continue the fit.  The child isn’t allowed to come out until they are finished.

Forgetting to put things away: Next time your child “forgets” to put something away, tell him that he’ll just have to look for it.

How this has changed my parenting…

Often times I have felt that I have tried every type of correction for my children without much success.  This book has given me several different tools to implement at home.  This book has taught me that family is important and need to work together not to fight with each other while providing creative ideas to instill lessons in my children.

Book Title: Don't Make Me Count to Three

Author: Ginger Plowman

Year of Publication: 2003

Publisher: Shepherd Press

Pages: 151

Author’s Web-site: http://www.gingerplowman.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Need help handling your child’s disobedience by reaching the heart. The author uses real-life examples of disobedience and how to handle them in a practical and Biblical way.

“In a nut shell”…

The book sets forth a heart-centered approach to discipline and explains how to use the Bible to encourage and reprove your children.

Key Ideas…

If we work on changing our children’s behavior rather than what is on the inside, we will cause our children to become manipulators. They will learn to please us by doing what we tell them to do out of a fear of punishment, but they will not learn to live the way God tells them to live.

If we are to really help our children, we must work backward from the behavior to uncover the attitudes of the heart that drive behavior.

Rather than just telling your child what he did wrong and what he should do about it, we must ask thought-provoking questions.

“It is important to rebuke our children when they do wrong, but it is equally important, if not more important, to walk them through what is right”. Pg 47

Teach your children what the Bible says about their difficulties at the moment of disobedience. Don’t just tell your child what he did wrong and what he should be doing. Also have him go back and actually do it. Ask him what he could have done that would have been a better response.

Action Steps…

“For helping them discern the matters of their hearts, there are three issues to walk them through. What was the nature of the temptation? Was it anger, idolatry, envy? Was it selfish or contentious? How did he or she respond to the temptation? What was wrong with the way she responded? What other ways could he have responded that would have been better?” Pg 44-45

One very effective tool in training children how to put what they have learned into practice is role-playing.

Take time alone with each child each night. Don’t be in a hurry. Don’t spend that time instructing, but simply sit on his bed and listen to anything he chooses to talk about. After he falls asleep, go back into his room and pray for God to touch his heart.

Before correcting your child, “Examine your motives. Am I doing this because my will or God’s will have been violated? Am I correcting my child because he has sinned against God or because his behavior has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment, or trouble?” Pg 85

“We should expect instant obedience from our children. Teach them that God wants them to obey ‘all the way, right away, and with a happy heart.’” Pg 117

Don’t discipline your child if he has an accident (unless the accident occurred as a result of the child being disobedient).

“Ask your children how you can pray for them. Pray out loud with them. Pray often. Pray conversationally . . . everywhere so your child realizes his Heavenly Father is always available. Pray about little things like a lost toy as well as big things. Tell them of God’s faithfulness in answering your prayers on their behalf.” Pg 151

Quotables…

“If we could view all of their sinful behaviors as precious opportunities to teach them then we would be far more righteous in our training. We would be joyful and eager all the time rather than angry and frustrated.” Pg 70

“Children should be taught to obey because it is right and because it pleases God, not to get a reward. Giving them a reward in order to get them to obey encourages them in selfishness.” Pg 101

In discipline, “[y]our motive should not be revenge but love. It should be to drive out the foolishness from the child’s heart. Discipline shouldn’t be an ‘I’ll show you!’ mentality or a ‘Boy, your’re gonna get it now!’ It should be, ‘I love you too much to allow this sin to take root in your heart and grow.’”

Miscellaneous…

You should never discipline your child without telling him exactly what he did wrong and what he can do to correct it.

When correcting your child for misbehavior, speak to him in a normal tone of voice.

Never warn your child or tell him to do something without following it through.

“When training is done properly, it should always end on a positive note. A child who directly disobeys mom in the grocery store should not be yelled at or have to ride home with an angry mom. This sort of discipline sends the negative message, ‘I am not pleased with you.’ Our desire should be for the child to ponder what he could have done right rather than what he did wrong.” Pg 105

Don’t expect your child to do something right after just telling him once. You must get them to practice the correct behavior, with the right attitude, for the right reason.

When your child disobeys, don’t look at it as a hopeless failure. See it as an opportunity to teach obedience so that the sin does not take root in his heart.

How this has changed my parenting…

It provided many helpful practical examples of how to handle issues of misbehavior by asking my child good questions that help him realize what he did wrong, why it was wrong, and what he should have done in that situation.

I think it is easy to get frustrated when our children misbehave because it seems to happen so often. This book reminded me that misbehavior is an opportunity to show my child the right thing to do, which will help develop his character in a positive way.

Instead of just telling my child what to do and what not to do, I have been encouraged by this book to help him walk through correct behavior so he knows what it looks like, rather than just hearing me say words about it.

 © 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Grace Based Parenting

Author: Dr. Tim Kimmel

Year of Publication: 2004

Publisher: Thomas Nelson

Pages: 230

Author’s Web-site: http://www.familymatters.net

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Are frustrated and discouraged in your parenting and looking for grace and hope for yourself and your children.

“In a nut shell”…

We all need grace. Not one of us is perfect, and if we maintain perfection as our standard for our parenting or for our children, we will miss the joys along the way as they grow up. In addition, they are likely to grow up bitter and resentful toward us and our traditions and beliefs, the very things we most want them to value.

Key Ideas…

Children are born with three driving inner needs: A need for security, a need for significance, and a need for strength

A grace-based parent meets these needs by giving her children three valuable gifts: love, purpose, and hope.

Secure Love: Children feel secure when they know they are accepted as they are; when they know they are affiliated with a loving and honoring family; and when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.

Significant Purpose: Children feel significant when they are regularly affirmed; when they know they have our attention; and when they are gracefully admonished.

Strong Hope: Children develop a strong hope when they know their parents recognize their God-given abilities and liabilities and turn them into assets for their future; when their parents lead them and encourage them to live a great spiritual adventure; and when their parents help them turn their childhood into a series of positive accomplishments.

In grace-based families, children are given:

The freedom to be different: “unique,” “weird,” “bizarre,” “strange,” “goofy,” and “quirky.”

The freedom to be vulnerable: Don’t overreact, under react, or dismiss children’s immature emotions such as vast mood swings, vain imaginations, and inordinate fears.

The freedom to be candid: “Grace-based families create respectful ways for children to voice these frustrations with their parents”. Pg 203

The freedom to make mistakes: Respond rather than react. Don’t avoid the consequences. Discipline using the methods that are most effective and align well with you.

Action Steps…

Instill a secure love in your child

Develop a significant purpose in your child (general, specific, relational, and spiritual)

Build strong hope in your child

Allow your child to be different

Allow your child to be vulnerable

Allow your child to be candid

Allow your child to make mistakes

Do it all in a grace-based setting!

Quotables…

“Strident voices tell parents that if they don’t feed their children certain ways, or discipline them certain ways, or educate them certain ways, then they are setting their children up for certain doom… It’s one thing to offer these additional suggestions in these areas, but its another thing to turn these suggestions into the only way to effectively parent children.” Pg 8

“[Grace-based parents] are especially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Their advice to their children would be a mixture of: “You are a gift from God; go make a difference.” and “You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you’re forgiven.” Pg 19

“Rules not tempered by grace block relationships with our children and lead to rebellion. On the other side, relationships without rules don’t result in grace either.” Pg 37

“Grace-based parenting works from the inside out. Fear-based parenting works from the outside in.” Pg 133

How this has changed my parenting…

I’m not afraid to parent anymore! Several years ago as a new mother I read two or three parenting books that left me feeling like if I made a single mistake I would ruin my child’s life. I began to think that every choice I made about when and what she ate, how she played, when she slept, etc. was molding her character forever. The problem was, different “experts” had different ideas of what the “right” methods were for raising children. I became so frustrated and overwhelmed that I stopped reading parenting books, until recently when a friend recommended Grace Based Parenting.

In Grace Based Parenting Dr. Kimmel takes an entirely different approach. Rather than prescribing a formula for raising perfect kids, Dr. Kimmel focuses on the bottom line of parenting—grace (unmerited favor; undeserved kindness). And in doing so, he discusses not just our children’s need for grace, but our need for grace as parents, too. In this way, the focus shifts from trying to be perfect parents raising perfect kids to being grace-based parents who put a priority on meeting the inner needs of their children.

Taking this new approach, I have a new appreciation for each of my children as unique and inherently valuable gifts from God. Each one is different and requires special nurturing, attention, affirmation, guidance and even discipline—all provided in an environment of grace. We are free to enjoy our differences and learn from our mistakes. I understand now that God’s grace in my life and in theirs is big enough to cover our faults and failures. The new freedom this understanding gives me in my parenting allows my children to grow deeper in their faith in God because they see His grace being worked out in our day to day lives.

© 2011 The Family Project

Subtitle: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days

Author: Dr. Kevin Leman

Year of Publication: 2008

Publisher: Revell

Pages: 300

Author’s Web-site: http://www.lemanbooksandvideos.com

Languages: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to develop a more consistent method of discipline and help your children accept more responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.

“In a nut shell”…

This book lays out a very specific, practical action plan to help you become a better, more consistent parent.

Key Ideas…

Your job as a parent is not to create happy kids.

In our culture, the role of accountability has decreased in a child’s life and they have been allowed to get away with less responsibility.

The parent is the key to changing the child’s thinking and actions – it requires you to be the parent you want to be.

The long term concerns of a parent include:

Attitude – You, as the parent, need to stay calm – you set the example.

Behavior – Expect good behavior, and when it doesn’t happen, ask yourself the following questions:

1) Why is he doing what he is doing?

2) How do I, the parent, feel – are my emotions and responses helping or hurting the situation?

3) Am I making something big out of something little?

Character – Character is who you are when no one is looking. Our children get this from us (parents) and life lessons. Enforce the good and deal with the negative.

Teach your children with the end in mind – how you want them to be as they mature.

There are 3 types of parents:

Permissive – one who tries to be their child’s best friend, inconsistent in parenting, never lets the child fail

Authoritarian – one who is always right, yells and threatens, gives little freedom

Authoritative – one who gives choices, let’s the child experience consequences, consistent discipline, mutual respect

The first and second type cause rebellion, the third is the middle ground where you major on the relationship and minor on all else.

Speak with respect to your children.

Kids live up to the expectations you have of them – don’t be afraid to expect a lot.

There is a difference between self-esteem (feeling good about one’s self) and self-worth.

The pillars of self-worth are:

Acceptance – children long for your unconditional acceptance – it can show through words and actions. The more acceptance from you, the less they seek to accept it from peers.

Belonging – establish a home as a place of belonging – give family members a vote, listen, support each other, have family time, eat dinner together, vacation together.

Competence – empower children by giving responsibility – they will feel proud of their accomplishments

Praise isn’t good for children – it links a child’s self-worth to what she does – how “good” a person is. Instead, you should encourage your child – emphasize the act and not the person. Praise usually sounds insincere and links their “goodness” or “smartness” with how a child does a certain task. Children need to know they are accepted no matter what they do.

Action Steps…

When asking your kids to do something,

Say it once

Turn your back

Walk away

3 main strategies for a change in behavior:

Let reality be the teacher – let nature take its course which is usually enough discipline in itself.

Learn to respond rather than react – don’t answer without thinking and don’t let your emotions get the better of you.

“B” doesn’t happen until “A” is completed – you don’t go onto the next event until you have your request completed.

Give age appropriate chores – by providing the types of experiences where children do their share and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self worth.

Top 10 ways to help your kids develop into who you want them to be:

10. Be 100% consistent

9. Always follow through on what you say you will do

8. Respond, don’t react

7. Count to 10 and ask yourself “What would my old self do in this situation? What would the “new” me do?”

6. Never threaten your kids

5. Never get angry

4, Don’t give warnings

3. Ask self “Whose problem is this?”

2. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away

1. Keep a happy face on even when you want to do something else

Quotables…

“The key to changing your child is changing your attitude” Pg 39

“Every child will fail, make mistakes, and embarrass you. But you don’t need to hold those failures over your child’s head for a lifetime. Correct the behavior and move on. What is most important, in the long run, is your child’s character.” Pg 44

Miscellaneous…

To become the kind of parent you want to be, each day he gives a list of things you should do.

Monday

1. Observe what is going on in your house. What areas in your relationship with your child really bother you?

2. Think about how you’d like things to change.

3. Decide to take charge.

4. Expect great things to happen.

Tuesday

1. What is your attitude toward your kids?

2. How does your behavior reveal your attitude?

3. What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?

4. What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?

Wednesday

1. What kind of parenting style do you have?

2. How does your child respond to this parenting style?

3. How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?

4. In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?

Thursday

1. How can you show your child unconditional Acceptance?

2. How can you emphasize Belonging in your family?

3. In what way(s) can you spur your child on to Competence?

4. Think about the difference between praise and encouragement. What truly encouraging thing can you say to your child today?

Friday

1. Review the key principles

2. Identify the big issues you want to address

3. Think through how you usually respond and how you’ll respond now.

4. Get ready, get set…go!

How this has changed my parenting…

There were several things in this book that caused me to stop and think and evaluate how I was parenting. I really like the principle that “B” won’t happen until “A” is completed. Granted, that works better when “B” is something they really want to do, like going to a friend’s house. I am still trying to figure out how to incorporate that idea when “B” is something they are not motivated to do, but thinking through the natural consequences of not doing “A” is helping.

Another thing I am now doing is saying things once and then walking away. I am also learning that sometimes I need to make a request when they are not in the middle of something. Or, I make a request once and then we figure a time (in the very near future) when they can do it.

Lastly, I am really trying to work in the Encouragement vs. Praise concept. I really like the idea of encouraging the acts and the work they put into it instead of focusing on them as a person. This also teaches children to do things for their own sake and not just to please others. It draws attention to the task and effort. It really makes me stop and think about what I want to say and how I say it.

© 2014 The Family Resource Library

Author: Dr. Marc Weissbluth

Year of Publication: 2005

Publisher: Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Pages: 507

Author’s Web-site: N/A

Languages: English

You should read this book if you…

Want your baby to learn to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own.

“In a nut shell”…

Dr. Weissbluth, a pediatrician, presents a well-researched book that explains the importance of adequate sleep and why it is so crucial for a baby and toddler. It describes various methods for teaching your baby to learn to fall asleep on their own.

Key Ideas…

The development of healthy sleep habits do not occur on their own. As parents, our actions can either help or hurt this crucial development.

Lack of sleep interferes with the following: learning, development of social skills, attention, irritability, impulsivity, activity level, and adaptability to change.

The best time to fall asleep is when a baby is just becoming drowsy. Signs of a baby being drowsy include decreased activity, slower movements, decreased vocalizations, slower sucking, disinterested in environment, less focused eyes, and yawning.

Signs of a baby being overtired include fussing, rubbing his/her eyes, and irritability.

Bedtime routines should be formed to help a child relax before bedtime. These things should be done in the same order at every sleep period and can include reading a book, singing songs, rocking in a chair, bathing, feeding, and/or massage.

Well-rested children sleep better than tired ones.

It is trendy these days to make babies “flexible” and take them everywhere at all hours of the day, or to enroll young children in numerous classes and activities that don’t respect the children’s sleep needs. While of course there can be some variation in the daily program, it is much healthier for the child (and ultimately the parents) if he or she is getting adequate, good quality sleep both day and night.

Action Steps…

1. “Let Cry,” Ignoring, or Extinction Method:

After the baby goes to bed, this method requires a parent to allow the baby to cry until they fall asleep.

There will be a short increase in crying when first attempting this method.

Success will occur faster than other methods.

2. Controlled Crying, Partial Ignoring, or Graduated Extinction:

Leave baby for 5 minutes and then return and soothe if baby is still crying.

Leave baby for 10 minutes and repeat the soothing process if baby is still crying.

If the baby starts to cry again after you leave, leave the baby for 15 minutes until you return to soothe him.

Repeat sequence adding an additional 5 minutes each time you return to soothe the baby until the baby falls asleep and does not cry after you soothe him.

This method may also be done by increasing the time you respond by 5 minutes every few days.

3. Check and Console:

When the baby is crying after you leave him at bedtime, parents may return and soothe the baby by rubbing their tummy or rocking the crib, but do not pick up the baby again.

This method is hard because it can be difficult to soothe a baby without picking up the baby.

It could also teach babies to cry longer in order for their parents to return to the bedroom.

Quotables…

“If you start early with sleep training, you will be well along the path to preventing sleep problems.” Pg 12

“Missing a nap here and there will probably cause no harm. But if this becomes a habit, you can expect your child to lag further and further behind in his sleep and to become increasingly difficult to handle in this over-fatigued state.” Pg 23

“A well-rested baby with a healthy sleep habit awakens with a cheerful, happy attitude. A tired baby awakens grumpy.” Pg 57

“Never wake a sleeping baby.” Pg 108

“The more rested you are, the easier it is to fall asleep and stay asleep. The more tired you are, the harder it is.” Pg 118

“Feelings of anger toward your crying child are frightening – and normal. You can love your baby and hate her crying spells. All parents sometimes have contradictory feelings about their baby.” Pg 159

“Letting your baby “cry it out” is not the only way your baby will learn to sleep. Babies and children learn to sleep when parents focus on timing, motionless sleep, and consistency in soothing style.” Pg 229

“The major fear that inhibits parents from establishing an earlier bedtime is that this will cause their child to get up earlier to start the day. In fact, the opposite will occur. An earlier bedtime will allow your child to sleep later, just as a too-late bedtime will eventually cause a too-early wake-up time. Remember, sleep begets sleep. This is not logical, but it is biological.” Pg 280

“Fatigue causes increased arousal. Therefore, the more tired your child, the harder it is for him to fall asleep, stay asleep, or both.” Pg 292

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

20% of babies have extreme fussiness or colic.

“In fact, published research on children between seven and twenty-seven months of age has shown that when parents are instructed not to attend to their children’s protest crying (the technique called ‘extinction’), over time measurements of infant security significantly improved and all the mothers become less anxious.” Pg 275

How this has changed my parenting…

I was beginning to get depressed and was extremely exhausted due to my baby’s difficulties falling asleep, staying asleep, and taking daytime naps. After reading this book (and referring back to it again and again), I feel a lot more confident now about managing his sleep. I know that I can’t control my baby and he still has his share of “bad nights”, but I understand now how to promote good sleep habits and tackle specific sleep problems. We may never achieve perfect sleep, but at least I have some sound and systematic advice to refer to each time we get off track again.

© 2014 The Family Resource Library

Book Title: How Children Raise Parents

Author: Dan B. Allender, Ph.D.

Year of Publication: 2003

Publisher: WaterBook Press

Pages: 217

Author’s Website: http://www.thepathlesschosen.com

Full book available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Feel like good parenting is impossible or if you desire to break ineffective parenting patterns.

In a nutshell…

Our children will grow us up as we grow them up.

Key ideas…

Parents put their confidence in rules and principles and apply themselves to doing everything right. But methods will not give your children what they most desire: to know they are unique, deeply loved, and delighted in by you and by God.

Action steps…

Acknowledge that your children will actually teach you more than you will them.Be grateful for your children and the maturity you will gain. Embrace this time, accept your own inadequacy, and truly listen to your children’s voices.

Instead of always seeking to apply rules to our children, navigate difficult areas by reading your child. Each of your children will require your flexibility as you address their unique struggles.

Maturity cannot happen without trial. Understanding that our suffering will be a guiding factor in life, we can teach our kids by honestly demonstrating our struggles. Beware of the drive to produce counterfeit joy as a way to success or passing on the belief that the highest values in life are happiness and productivity.

We cannot cling to the false idea that the right influences will ensure positive results. We must instead engage our children at a level that gives them a glimpse of God’s character, especially his mercy and his strength.

All children inherently ask two questions: “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” We cannot answer appropriately without the knowledge of the answers for ourselves. If you look to God, He answers, “Yes, you are loved more than you can ever fathom” and “No, you can’t have your way. But as you pursue my way, you will find the deepest satisfaction your heart can ever know.” (Many of our children’s fits and rages have one of these questions at its core and we must shed all distractions and listen.)

The author links our children’s two core questions, “Can I get my own way?” and “Am I loved?”, with the most common parent responses. These responses include being dangerous and demeaning, rule-bound and dull, indulgent and distant, or showing strength and delight. Mr. Allender emphasizes that showing a strength and delight response will most benefit your child.

Drowning out the voices of our children, are other well meaning voices of our parents, media, school, church and friends. Many conjure up our own unresolved hurts as well as darken gratitude and joy. We must engage our children without feeling pressured to repair our past.

We cannot always apply quick fix rules to parenting. We must find a way to accept the mystery of opposing forces as demonstrated by God: intimacy and individualism, strength and mercy. Even in our imminent failure to live out God’s character, we encounter His tenderness and therefore model our only hope as turning all eyes to the only One who can love us perfectly.

By dwelling in the deeper reality of God’s grace, His character begins to provide the framework of safety and freedom. It is in this true security that our children will have the ability to rest boldly and play restfully.

Playing with your children gives them the skills, character, and context for living out their God-given calling. The process of playing well together is more important than the task or the outcome.

Quotables…

“One problem is that we are too child driven. We spend too much money and time on child-oriented things that compete with the simple and profound appreciation we should feel for our child. In turn, the money and time we spend dragging kids to [various activities] and a legion of other devilish opportunities fuels a child’s sense of entitlement and a parent’s feelings that his child is an excessive drain on energy, time, and money.” Pg 7

“We need to create something entirely new from the raw materials our parents gave us. Our children live in a different world, and we have to listen to their voice if we are to learn how to parent them well.” Pg 69

Miscellaneous…

While the author does not offer step by step solutions, he shared that his parental default mode is to state the obvious. For example, his teenage daughter was crying and he knocked on her door, “I heard tears. The door was closed. You are now not crying, but frowning. I know privacy is more important to you than food. You are now grimacing, and your lower lip is jutting out farther than your nose.” This ultimately turned the tide. I have tried this with my 4 year old son and it usually ends up with him smiling and being more receptive.

How this has changed my parenting…

Dan’s honesty regarding his own failures is rattling and refreshing. It compels me to humbly seek God’s help as I learn so much more about His love and mercy for me. There are many more stories and anecdotes in the book.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: How to be a Happy, Healthy Family

Author: Jim Burns, PH.D.

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Word Publishing

Pages: 188

Author’s Web-site: http://www.youthbuilders.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to raise your children to be more secure and have a lasting legacy of love and health passed on to the next generation. This book will encourage you that there is no “perfect” method for parenting and most parents are doing a very adequate job of parenting and just don’t know it.

“In a nut shell”…

There are 10 principles of families that succeed. 1. Being there for your family, 2. Express affection, warmth and encouragement, 3. Build health morals and values, 4. Discipline with consistency, 5. Ruthlessly eliminate stress, 6. Communicate is the key, 7. Play is necessary for close-knit family, 8. Love your spouse, 9. The best things in life are not things, 10. Energize your family’s spiritual growth.

Key Ideas…

Parent with Affirmation, warmth and encouragement = A.W.E.  We still discipline our children, but we remove shaming our children into making the right decisions.  Communication is Key – It is more about the interaction than the outcome, which comes from a good relationship not the content of what is said. Parents must always have honesty and integrity when they communicate with their kids.

Play, humor and fun are essential to happy healthy families. When we play together it gives us a deeper since of belonging and community. Parents must proactively work to make this a key goal for the family.

Loving your spouse and putting them before your children is the optimum factor for rearing secure children. Your greatest family investment may be your marriage.

Finances can consume a family, so you have to be careful and not make money your goal for success in life. You have to learn to spend less than you make, live within a budget, stay out of debt and delay gratification for wants.  We have to be faithful stewards of our resources and realize that God owns everything and he just lends us stuff to enjoy.

The best way to discipline is with consistency. The goal with discipline is to teach your children to be responsible not just obey.  We don’t want to control our children. We want to influence them with our own behavior.

We have to ruthlessly eliminate stress in our families to have a happy and healthy family.  We all need to regain some margin space in our schedules to give us some breathing room, so we don’t become over committed and live a crisis-mode life.  Crisis mode living that comes from too many activities is very dangerous and it paralyzes families.  Your relationships will suffer from this type of living and everyone will become relationship starved.

Spending time with God is a key to being a good parent and living a lasting legacy. Pray with your spouse for your family and it will help you see the real priorities in your life and the things that are most important. Focus on your family’s spiritual life by having devotional times together, praying together and making a family constitution. A family constitution is a written list of your family’s desires, values and what your family stands for.

Action Steps…

Every six months, parents should plan a day away from your normal schedule and take an extended time to focus on each of your children. You need to examine the areas of your children’s lives where you need to be present. Be aware of cultural influences and make an agenda for the next 6 months for developing your child’s moral, relationship/friendship, health and spiritual growth.

Keep communications lines open by taking the time to talk and the time to listen on a daily basis.

Ruthlessly cut back on your family’s activities to make life more manageable and make more time for relationships instead of busyness.

Be consistent in your discipline and don’t be hard on yourself when you mess up.

Quotables…

“Many times parents look for the latest fad to become a close-knit family. Yet the answer is simple and right in front of them. It’s investing our time and energy and commitment to be there for our children. The result is hope and security for all.” Pg 12

“As most experts on the family will say, a family that prays together stays together. But I would add that a family who consciously plays together will also be much more happy and healthy.” Pg 122

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

“If you let children start dating at the age of 12 they will have a 91% chance of having sex before graduation (age 18). If you wait until the age of 16 to let them start dating the percent goes down to only 20%.” Pg 39

Miscellaneous…

The author, Jim Burns is a Christian Psychologist who has worked with many families who are in crisis. The media tends to focus on all the negatives when it comes to families and children, but there are thousands upon thousands of families around the world that are thriving and working positively through their issues.

How this has changed my parenting…

This book has really helped me to simplify our family’s life. I always desired a simpler, less chaotic life, but felt like we had to do everything everyone else was doing. This book gave me permission to stop and do what’s best for my family and not try to do everything. We are all so much more peaceful and happy with less activity and more down time to enjoy each other business. Relationships are more important than what you are doing at given moment.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years

Author: Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Year of Publication: 2000

Publisher: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.

Pages:165

Author’s Web-site:http://www.loveandlogic.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Have a child of pre-school age and want to learn how to parent in a constructive and loving way.

“In a nut shell”…

Raise a child who feels good about him- or herself

Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child

Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them at an early age

Give your child plenty of practice in thinking and solving problems

Key Ideas…

The first six years of a child’s life are crucial to their cognitive, emotional and behavioral development. Parents can provide the essential information to their children by using the four basic Love and Logic ingredients:

(1) Build the self concept – Self-concept equals behavior. When kids feel good about themselves, the odds go up in favor of their behaving well. We show our kids that we can handle them without breaking a sweat and that translates to kids thinking, “If my parent can handle me that easily, I must be okay!” When you replace anger and frustration with soft words and powerful yet kind actions, it builds a child’s self concept.

 

(2) Share the control – Give choices to children regarding the things that do not cause a problem for others and are set within firm limits to empower them and give them a feeling of control. For example, the parent can “deposit” control into the child’s “control bank” by giving choices to innocuous questions like, “Would you like milk or juice with breakfast?” Make a list of choices you can give your kids. The key to sharing control is ensuring the choices you give are satisfactory to you the parent and that you can deliver on whichever choice is picked. Giving choices like these all throughout the day will build up your child’s “choice bank” so that when you need to make a “withdrawal” or request, the child will be more cooperative.

(3) Provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering consequences – View your child’s mistakes as learning opportunities. Love and Logic parents know that the pain of poor choices helps children learn to avoid mistakes. For this to happen, parents must allow it to happen in a loving way. The price tags of mistakes made by small children are much less than those made by adolescents. The question to ask yourself when you are in a potential “learning situation” with your child is (a) will my child get hurt if he makes a mistake? And (b) what will my child learn from this?

 

(4) Share the thinking – Every time your child causes a problem or makes a mistake, treat it as a learning opportunity. Allow him to think more about the situation than you do. The more empathy and understanding you display, the more your child will be forced to think about the pain he has created for himself. The more anger and frustration you show, the less your child thinks – and the less he learns about solving his own problems.

Action Steps…

Sharing control

Give 99% of the choices when things are going smoothly; see how many “deposits” you can make during the day

Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don’t create a problem for others

Offer two options, each a choice of which you approve

Choose for the child if he or she doesn’t choose within 10 seconds

The enforceable statement

Only make statements to your child that you can enforce. When you repeatedly ask your child to do something that you cannot enforce, you damage your credibility as the authority figure. For example, instead of repeatedly saying, “Please pick up your toys,” an enforceable statement would be, “Feel free to pick up the toys you want to play with tomorrow. The toys not picked up will be picked up by me, and you’ll have to earn them back with chores.”

Set limits once and follow through

How do we set limits once?

With young children who don’t understand language, simply change their location. Example – A child is in a high chair and begins throwing food. Use an empathetic expression like “Uh-oh” or “Bummer” and then remove the child from the high chair and say, “Dinner is over, looks like a little crib time.”

With older children, save most of the attention for happy times. If they are having a tantrum or not being nice, you can tell them they need some “room time”. The child stays in the room until he is calm and ready to be sweet. The parent should stay nearby and when the child is calm, the parent should go in, hug their child and say, ”That was sad. Are you ready to be sweet now?” Then continue on without further discussion. The child will quickly learn that it’s more fun to behave than to misbehave.

Steps for the “Uh-Oh Song” or whichever empathetic response you want to use (note: it’s best to select one phrase and use it repeatedly with your child so that they know what to expect when they hear “Uh-oh” or “That’s sad”).

Instead of making threats or giving warnings, say Uh-oh” and take action

Not to be used with infants or young children who have a need that must be fulfilled

Gently lead or carry your child to his/her room

Say, “Feel free to come out when you’re ready to be sweet.”

Do not lecture when your child is ready to come out; show affection and start fresh

Have fun with your kids when they are behaving

Quotables…

“When people ask, ‘When can we start using Love and Logic with our children?’ we say, ‘Start when they’re babies … start when they’re cute, so they will stay that way!’” Pg 30

“When children act out, what they’re really saying is, ‘Please love me enough to set some limits!’” Pg 31

“If you want your children to have internal controls and inner freedom, you must first provide them with external controls” Pg 54

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

A child’s ability to love and respect oneself and others is primarily determined by how well that child’s basic needs were met during the first two years of life.

Miscellaneous…

(1) The Trust Cycle – Before you can plant the seeds of empathy, responsibility and kindness in your child, you must first ensure that they receive these things when they are an infant. Infants who know that their basic needs are going to be met develop love and kindness in their hearts. When children feel that their parents notice and value their interests, they are always happier and more cooperative. Achieve the “trust cycle” with your infant / child by:

The Trust Cycle

Step 1 – The child has a basic need

Step 2 – The child cries

Step 3 – The parent responds lovingly, the need is fulfilled

Step 4 – Trust/bonding is achieved

(2) The Misbehavior Cycle – When a parent scolds or threatens a child, and the child continues to misbehave, what has been achieved? More important, what is the child learning? Here’s what happens:

The Misbehavior Cycle

Step 1 – Child experiments with misbehavior

Step 2 – Parent gets frustrated or angry

Step 3 – Child develops disrespect for authority figures

Step 4 – Child begins to feel hopeless

How this has changed my parenting…

As a parent, I am a lot less likely now to react in anger, frustration or shear desperation when my child misbehaves. I feel equipped to respond appropriately to her needs to ensure she develops habits that will shape her into a healthy, productive and loving human being.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: On Becoming Baby Wise

Author: Gary Ezzo

Year of Publication: 2001 (Revised & Expand)

Publisher: Parent-Wise Solutions, Inc

Pages: 252

Author’s Web-site : http://www.gfi.org

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want a way to prepare for your baby’s arrival, complete with how and when to feed, what activities to do when awake with a newborn and when to encourage them to sleep.

“In a nut shell”…

Most babies on this plan sleep for 6-9 hours in a row, at night, by the time they are 8-10 weeks old. The baby will sleep though the night sooner on this plan so the mother can get more sleep at night as well. The plan takes you from birth through 6 months.

Key Ideas…

From birth to 8 weeks old you feed your baby every 2.5 to 3 hours from the BEGINNING of one feeding to the beginning of the next.

There are 8 feedings in a 24-hour period.

Add an extra feeding if you feel your baby needs it or if you feel you need to in order to maintain your breast milk supply or feel extra full in your breasts.

You do not rock your baby to sleep, but put him in his crib awake so he learns to fall asleep on his own.

Action Steps…

There are 3 main events that you need to remember in using this schedule: Feeding Time, Awake Time, and Nap Time, in that order.

This is an example of a 3-hour interval for you to see how it would work. If your baby needs to start with 2.5 hours instead of a full 3 hours, feel free to adjust it, as YOUR baby needs. The TOTAL awake time, including feeding and awake time, should be 90 minutes, with naptime also being 90 minutes, totaling the 3-hour schedule. This eventually will be adjusted to a 4-hour schedule, as your baby grows, with the awake time lengthening. At 24 weeks old (8 months old), your baby’s mealtimes should begin to line up with the family’s meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner.

It took me a few weeks to get it all correct. Be patient with yourself and keep trying!

Here is a sample schedule. Write-in your own time that you STARTED feeding the baby and then add 2.5 or 3 hours to that 1^st time you started feeding baby.

Early Morning: 7:00 am

1. Feed: Hold baby and begin to feed him (breast or bottle, it doesn’t matter on this program, although they like breastfeeding). After about 15-45 minutes on the first breast (or half way through his bottle) take him off the breast or bottle and burp him. Then start on the other breast (rest of the bottle). Burp after he is done. Diaper change as needed or to keep him awake enough to take a nice good feeding.

2. Awake time: Rock and sing to baby. Put baby in his crib to watch a mobile.

3. Nap: Put your baby in his crib (dark and quiet) for a nap.

Midmorning: 10:00 am

1. Feed: Hold baby and nurse him on the breast that you ended your last feeding on or give him a bottle. Follow burping directions above. Change diaper when needed.

2. Awake time: Take baby for a walk in a stroller or visit neighbors or do errands. Hopefully he stays awake for the view.

3. Nap: Put baby in his crib.

Afternoon: 1:00 pm

1. Feed: See directions above.

2. Awake time: Give your baby a bath and place him in the car seat near a window.

3. Nap: Lay him down in his crib.

Late Afternoon: 4:00 pm

1. Feed: See directions above.

2. Awake time: Family Time. Baby is in a playpen or bouncy seat watching Mother make beds or fix meals.

3. Nap: Put baby in crib for nap.

Early Evening: 7:00 pm

1. Feed: See directions above.

2. Awake time: If he seems very sleepy, go ahead and put him back to in his crib to sleep after you finish his full feeding.

3. Nap: He may already be asleep for his “Awake time” this is fine at this feeding time.

Late Evening: 10:00 pm

1. Feed: See directions above.

2. Nap: Back to bed.

Middle of the Night: 1:00 am and 4:00 am

1. Feed: See directions above.

2. Change diaper.

3. Put the baby back to bed!

NOTE: After waking him for this feeding, do not wake him up again, but do NOT LET HIM SLEEP LONGER THAN FIVE HOURS AT NIGHT FOR THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS OF LIFE.

Miscellaneous…

The authors say not to put your baby in your bed with you. You won’t worry about rolling over onto baby or the baby falling out of the bed. I put the baby’s crib or bassinette in my bedroom.

The author created a “HEALTHY BABY GROWN CHART” where you put a checkmark for each feeding on a piece of paper that has a grid.

Along the top are the days of the week.

Down the list on the left side of the paper there are four rows:

There is a row to record each time the baby:

1) is fed, (put a check mark)

2) has a wet diaper, (put a check mark)

3) this row is for a brief description of each wet diaper (NOTE: if the diaper has yellow/concentrated urine this is not normal and you will need to see a health care provider, the color should be light yellow to clear)

4) has a bowel movement.

IT WAS VERY HELPFUL FOR ME TO WRITE DOWN WHEN/# OF WET/DIRTY DIAPERS PER DAY TO SHOW MY DOCTOR.  This also helped me to know they were getting enough food and were healthy.

How this has changed my parenting…

It gave me direction and a plan. My babies were able to sleep through the night easily, allowing me more rest as well.

I was thankful that they were able to develop and grow during their nice long sleep. I think it helped them to be smarter because their brains and bodies grow when they sleep.

I believe it also helped them have good sleep habits as older children, which helps them to be as rested as possible.

It also gave me a standard schedule I could plan on for my days.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Parenting is Heart Work

Author: Dr. Scott Turansky, Joanne Miller

Year of Publication: 2005

Publisher: David C. Cook

Pages: 256

Author’s Web-site: http://www.effectiveparenting.org

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to help your children change on the inside, not just outwardly. Those changes are permanent and a conscience develops, which guides them in decisions that involve right and wrong throughout their lives.

“In a nut shell”…

Most parenting strategies are behavior-based. This may change behavior on the surface, but the only way to truly change them is if parents, together with God, work on their hearts.

Key Ideas…

Changing your child’s behavior often works for the short term, but it does not transform a child’s heart for the future. When parents focus discipline on the heart, children make lasting changes.

God changes our hearts through salvation, and our behavior changes based on what He does in our hearts.

Children need to know: God is creator; God has a plan; God knows all things; God gave His Son to die for us; God is judge of the world.

Children learn from parents what faith looks like each day as little pressures, irritations, and responsibilities challenge their peace and joy.

Most children need help processing what they did wrong after parents give consequences. Talk with them every time you have to discipline—even small offenses. This trains children to talk about problems. At some point you should ask them, “What did you do wrong?”

Action Steps…

Parents need to maintain a strong connection to God, which will enable them to be more effective with their children.

Start watching your child’s heart. Become more aware of the deeper problems. Ask God to show you the real issues that your son or daughter is facing. Spend time talking to the Lord about your child’s heart issues.

When your child misbehaves, recognize that something in the heart is going on. We can learn what is going on in our child’s heart by listening to our child and looking at what he treasures.

Set a goal of having 10 minutes a day or an hour or two a week of one-on-one time with each child.

“As you learn to listen to your child’s heart, identify target areas that you sense are a problem. Behavior indicates what’s happening inside, so when you see a particular weakness, jot it down on a piece of paper. You might list things like procrastination, pride, fear, gloom and doom, or lack of confidence.” Pg 132

Memorize Bible verses each week. Choose verses based on needs you see in your family and discuss them with your children.

Quotables…

“Kids need parents who are willing to take a stand for what’s right, demonstrate leadership, and set firm limits. They need moms and dads who will show them the path and encourage them to stay on it.” Pg 52

“Punishment focuses on justice; discipline concentrates on teaching. Instead of a sentence to be served, discipline is an opportunity for growth.” Pg 184

“Pray for your children often. God not only works through prayer to change your kids, but he also uses your prayers to make you more sensitive to his work in their hearts. In your payer time, be sure to listen as well as talk.” Pg 18-19

“Teenage rebellion doesn’t start at age thirteen; it starts much earlier, in a young child’s heart.” Pg 43

Miscellaneous…

“When you fail, admit it. Model humility as you grow. Require the same from your kids.” Pg 107-108

It’s important to be firm with your children, but if you are harsh or angry, it will hinder closeness.

How this has changed my parenting…

The book tells us that when your child is angry, you should refuse to become emotional and instead be willing to listen. I thought this was important because it is so easy to get angry or frustrated when children disobey. The book says that doing this is counter-productive. Listening will bring you closer to your children and also enable you to handle the situation in a more rational way.

Problem-solving too early instead of showing empathy hinders deeper relationships. Often we just want to fix a problem and move on to the next thing, but by doing this we can miss valuable opportunities to talk with our children about what is going on. If your child is misbehaving, it is important to discuss rather than just discipline and move on.

It’s amazing how transparent children can be when you take time to actively hear what they have to say. Most of us lead very busy lives, so this was a good reminder to slow down and practice active listening skills with our children. We can learn a lot about what is going on in their lives and hearts by doing this.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Author: Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay

Year of Publication: 1990, 2006

Publisher: NavPress, http://www.navpress.com

Pages: 271

Author’s Web-site: http://www.loveandlogic.com

Full Book Available in : English

You should read this book if you…

Are interesting in finding effective ways to parent without power struggles.

“In a nut shell”…

This is a win-win approach to parenting. Kids learn responsibility & the logic of life by solving their own problems. Parents win because they establish healthy control without resorting to anger, threats, nagging and exhausting power struggles. This approach puts the fun back into parenting.

Key Ideas…

There are two simple rules of Love & Logic parenting:

First, adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. Parents make sure they are willing to enforce whatever choices they give. Then they must consistently maintain those limits to help children understand that they are responsible for their actions and will suffer reasonable consequences for actions that are inappropriate. By using this consultant style of parenting as early as possible in the child’s life, they ask their children questions and offer choices instead of telling their children what to do. They put the burden of decision making on their kids shoulders. Thus, by the time the children become teens, they are used to making good decisions.

Second, when a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. While allowing the natural and imposed consequences to do the teaching, wise parents are empathetic. They do not show frustration, anger or do any pleading. They show empathy without rescue when unwise choices result in consternation, pain, and regret. They allow the consequences of mistakes to do the teaching. Consequences lead to the child’s self-examination and thought.

Rather than tell kids what to do, Love & Logic parents are always asking questions and offering choices. Choices work because they create a situation in which children are forced to think. They provide opportunities for kids to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. Choices help us to avoid getting into control battles with our kids. Children hear that we trust their thinking abilities when we give them choices and the decisions they make prepare them for a lifetime of decision-making that awaits them in adulthood.

Action Steps…

When a child acts inappropriately, the parent can say “uh-oh” or “bummer” if the child is older. Keep your voice melodic while saying this to avoid sounding angry, frustrated, and sarcastic.

Offer the child choices. The parent does not tell the child how to act. Instead, two choices are given, both of which are acceptable to the parent and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in response. This returns control to the child and any consequences come from the child’s decision, not the parents.

Calmly enforce whatever choices you give.

Quotables…

“Allowing children at a young age to practice decision making on simple issues teaches them to think and control their own lives. Then when adolescence hits, they will be less susceptible to peer pressure regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, and other temptations. They will have learned they can make their own wise decisions.” Pg 44

“Responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are expected to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.” Pg 52

How this has changed my parenting…

Prior to learning the importance of setting limits by offering kids choices and letting them live with the consequences of those decisions I was more of a drill sergeant parent. I thought controlling my children so they would behave appropriately was better for them in the long run so I often told them what to do. I didn’t trust them to make decisions for themselves because I was afraid they may not be “perfect.” I was afraid to allow them to make mistakes so I robbed them of many significant learning opportunities attempting to rescue them too often.

I was eager to try out this consultant style of parenting and become more of an advisor and counselor to my children rather than police officer. I remember the first time I tried it with my ten year old. I was tired of constantly nagging him to pick up his clothes in his room. I decided to offer him choices. “Jason, you’re welcome to make your bed and pick up your clothes from your bedroom floor before school. If you choose this, then you choose to have time after school to watch your favorite TV show. Or you’re welcome to make your bed and pick up your clothes from your bedroom floor after school. If you choose this, then you choose not to have TV time after school. You can decide.”

Of course, he had to test this limit the first day. When he arrived home from school he ran into his room and started picking it up really fast and asked to watch his favorite TV show. I told him, “Jason, I think I know what you have in mind. I’m so sorry, but the very moment you choose to leave your clothes on the floor this morning when you left for school was the moment you choose not to watch TV after school. I’m sorry son, but you can decide again tomorrow.” There was no TV after school that day and a few others. But it didn’t take long before he was choosing to watch his favorite TV show each afternoon.

Being an advisor parent is so much more fun than being the drill sergeant parent and most importantly it changed my relationship with my children. They have learned to trust themselves and their decisions as a result.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Passport2Purity

Author: Dennis & Barbara Rainey

Year of Publication: 2004

Publisher: FamilyLife

Pages: About 120

Author’s Web-site: http://www.FamilyLife.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Have children entering adolescence – ages 11-15.

“In a nut shell”…

Passport to Purity is a manual that helps you plan a weekend away with your child in order to connect with your children before they enter their teen years. It sets the stage to discuss what to expect physically, emotionally and socially. It gives them principles to help them decide in advance what their convictions will be in areas of friendships, dating and sex.

Key Ideas…

Prepare for the adventure of being a teenager. Your child is going to make some pivotal choices during their teen years. This book helps set the stage for parents to discuss important issues such as peer pressure, sex and dating. There is only a small window that your child will seek their parent’s direction and advice. It is important to have open communication now to develop a close parent/child relationship.

There are discussions on peer pressure. It’s important for a child to decide in advance how they are going to handle it when all their friends are drinking and having sex. Principles from the Bible will help them make wiser decisions.

What is sex? What does the Bible say about it? What boundaries will you set? If your child makes these decisions in advance, they will be prepared during the given time.

What is dating and what is the purpose of dating? Parents need to be involved with the dating experience of their child.

Action Steps…

Set up a special time with your child. Preferably, set up an overnight road trip.

1. Make this a special time. Set some money aside for a nice dinner out and buying a small gift for your child to remember this time together.

2. Plan ahead and make appointments if necessary. Buy tickets to a ball game, movie, make an appointment to get your nails done, etc.

3. How well do you know your child? (Some questions to think about)

a. What is his/her best friend?

b. Who is his/her greatest hero?

c. What embarrasses his/her most?

d. What’s his/her biggest fear?

e. What’s his/her favorite type of music?

f. What makes them angry?

g. What chore does he/she like least?

h. What activity did he/she enjoy most last weekend?

4. Be prepared to share some of your own experiences growing up with your child (how you changed physically, peer pressure from friends, dating). Be careful only to share what is appropriate.

5. Write a letter to your pre-teen. Draft it first. Share your feelings in a natural way. Recognize that he/she is growing up, how much you appreciate them. Highlight some of their key strengths. Share your excitement about this special getaway with them. Indicate your commitment to train and support them through this time and express your unconditional love for them.

6. Be prepared to answer these questions:

a. What is the purpose of sex? Dating? What kind of person do you want to marry? Date?

b. How much sexual activity do you think you should experience prior to marriage? (hugs, holding hands, kissing, passionately hugging and kissing, touching below the neck, touching below the waist, taking clothes off, intercourse). Where do you want to challenge your pre-teen to draw the line? What point is it difficult to stop?

Quotables…

“My guess is that 99.9 percent of all parents look at their eleven- or twelve-year old and don’t have the foggiest idea that he is beginning to grapple with adult issues.” Pg xxi

“Our experience leads us to believe the most pivotal choices are made during the age span of about eleven to fifteen. Wrong choices can tragically alter the course of a child’s life.” Pg xxi

“You must be proactive to train and prepare your preteen for adolescence, or the culture will do it for you.” Pg xxii

“It’s your job to guide your children…You can’t pick them up and carry them to adulthood. They have to walk the path. But they need you as their guide.” Pg xxii

“Maintaining a strong relationship with your child is the key that will enable you to guide him through the teen years.” Pg xxviii

“Every teenager faces traps. These traps can ensnare you. To avoid traps, you need to make wise choices based on your personal convictions.” Pg 4

“Everyone is susceptible to peer pressure. Peer pressure will test your convictions.” “You need to know what to look for in a friend.” Pg 9

“God designed sex within marriage so that you could experience closeness with your husband/wife.” Pg 19

“Treat young women with respect. Keep your sexual desires under control.” Pg 28

“What is the purpose of dating? To discover the person whom God wants you to marry.” Pg 40

How this has changed my parenting…

My daughter feels she can talk to me about anything, where it may have been uncomfortable at first. But this book reinforces that it’s okay and important to have your parents involved in your life and their friends do not have the answers. I also learned a great deal about setting standards and knowing our convictions prior to being tested.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Raising Kids for True Greatness

Author: Tim Kimmel

Year of Publication: 2006

Publisher: W Publishing Group

Pages: 220

Author’s Web-site: http://www.familymatters.net

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to raise children who are great in God’s eyes and not merely successful by the world’s standards.

“In a nut shell”…

Teach your children to serve God and others while here on earth, and God will richly reward them someday in heaven.

Key Ideas…

Learn how to prepare your kids for true greatness by helping them answer three critical questions:

What will be their mission in life?

Who will they spend their lives with?

Who will be their master?

Action Steps…

Model for my children what authentic faith in God and true concern for others looks like.

Teach them to give back to life much more than they take.

Quotables…

“If you aim your children at anything less than greatness, you’ll set them up to miss the whole point of their lives,” author Tim Kimmel says.  “When we don’t need all that the earth has to offer, it becomes far more pleasing to live here”.

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

This book has a “Ten Ways…” list at the end of each chapter that I love!  They give practical tips in several areas. One area is, Ten Ways to Be a Great Member of the Family:

Everybody helps everybody…always, in whatever ways are needed

Be upbeat, positive, and encouraging

Remember, “please” and “thank you” are not just good manners; they’re the calling cards of a grateful heart

Have a lot of fun, just not at the expense of anyone else

Each week, do your best to eat as many meals as possible together as a family. You’ll cut the chance of your kids using tobacco and drugs in half and double the chances they’ll bring home A’s on their report cards!

Respect one another’s space and stuff. Ask, and it most likely will be given unto you

Guard family traditions, and do your best to celebrate all birthdays, holidays, and major milestones

Guard the morals and integrity of everyone around you.  Be sensitive about how you communicate, what you view, and whom you bring into the family circle

Be quick to rally around a family member who is down, whether it’s a result of sickness, injury, failure, rejection, or discouragement

Assume that the Lord Jesus is an ex officio participant in every detail of your family.  Make sure He always feels at home and comfortable with what’s going on

Other “Ten Ways” lists include …to Be a Great Employee, …to Build a Great Attitude in Kids’ Hearts Toward God, …to Be a Great Teammate, …to Be a Great Classmate, …to Be a Great Friend, …to Be a Great Neighbor, …to Teach Your Children to Put God First, …to Be a Great Church Member, …to Help Your Kids Get the Best Out of Organized Sports.

How this has changed my parenting…

It has readjusted my focus.  We live in such a competitive society, and we feel/expect our kids to do well and be successful.  This has helped to take my focus off comparison and helped me define what I want more than anything for my children—for them to be great in God’s eyes!

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls

Author: Gary Thomas

Year of Publication: 2004

Publisher: Zondervan

Pages: 223

Author’s Web-site: http://www.garythomas.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Are a parent of any aged child

“In a nut shell”…

The author discusses how God uses our kids to change us and draw us closer to Him.

Key Ideas…

When we realize that having children isn’t about us but is rather about God, then the trials and sacrifices of parenting are easier to handle.  The issue is no longer how proud my children make me, but how faithful I’ve been to do what God wants me to do.

It is important that our children see my husband and I spending our time and effort focusing on God.

What our children ask of us is nothing compared to what we ask of God.  We must never forget that God has forgiven us, is patient with us, and endures our own failings to an even greater extent than we do for our own children.

Any time we can bring our children joy, we bring a smile to God’s face.

When you give your baby a bath, you are washing God’s baby.  Pause a moment in your busy day and look up to heaven.  When you minister to that youngster, can you imagine God smiling down at you?  When you fix that hungry six year old a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you are feeding one of God’s children.

Action Steps…

Try to thank God for our children more than asking Him to change them.  Pray with gratitude for what God is doing in their lives, and list the qualities he’s given them for which I feel grateful.

You must become what you’re praying for your children to become.  If I want my son to be a man of prayer, I must first become a woman of prayer.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can give to his or her children is to enjoy them, to love them, to laugh with them, to let them know that we feel so very thankful that they are our children.

When a child disobeys, God wants us to respond in love.  Children need to see our total commitment to them and that our primary concern is for their well-being.

Quotables…

“A God-centered parent acts out of reverence for God.  Regardless of how my children treat me, I know that God wills that I move toward my children, to get engaged in their lives, to offer biblical correction and loving support.  It doesn’t matter how they respond to me as much as it matters what God has called me to do.  Though I adore my children, I don’t get out of bed on just a few hours of sleep solely out of love for them, but out of reverence for God.” Pg 21

“Our spouses and our children can’t quench the God-given spiritual hunger in our souls.  When we neglect God, we ask our marriage and our parenting to become stand ins for God—something they were never designed to be.” Pg 21

“Many of us are so tempted to focus on purifying our children that we neglect our own spiritual growth.”  Pg 19

How this has changed my parenting…

It has reminded me that it is not about me, my comfort, my happiness or how proud my child makes me, but being obedient to God in serving my child.  Also, it is a reminder that I must grow to be more like Christ in order to be the best Mom I can be.  The most important thing is to share the gospel with my child every day.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Scream Free Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

Author: Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT

Year of Publication: 2007

Publisher: Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Pages: 218

Author’s Web-site: http://www.screamfree.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Find yourself feeling anxious about your kids and their choices, and emotionally reacting to those choices.

“In a nut shell”…

This book is about learning to create the relationships we’ve always craved, by simply learning to focus on ourselves, calm ourselves down and grow ourselves up.

Key Ideas…

Become the “cool” parent your kids really need by controlling yourself and growing yourself up.

Keeping your cool means creating space for them to make decisions and for us to calm our anxiety about those decisions.

Keeping your cool means letting the consequences do the screaming and not giving empty threats.

Take time for yourself.

Action Steps…

To enjoy the “personal” side of parenting (fun/playful) you must take care of the “business” side first (assert yourself as authority).

Your ability to calm yourself down, even when your kids are out of control, is the best way to set their place in the family.

Let the consequences do the screaming.

Welcome consequences and then you become a life guide for your children; walk alongside them as they struggle and suffer through them.

Practice changing your part of the relationship and watch the changes begin around you.

Love yourself for the benefit of your children.

Put on your own oxygen mask first so that you are healthy enough to take care of your children (as in flying with young children on a commercial flight, in the case of a crash, you are to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you put one on the child).

Create time for a hobby, coffee with a friend, a retreat, etc.

Quotables…

“Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.”

“Whenever we give in to our anxiety we create the very outcome we are trying to avoid.”

“The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.”

“Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice.”

“Without space to make their own mistakes our kids live only borrowed lives.”

“Becoming a ScreamFree Parent is about learning to operate out of respect for your highest principles, not in reaction to your deepest fears.”

“Your child is testing you to see that you are stable and consistent. And he wants you to pass.”

“Your goal is not to stifle their emotions but, rather, to steer them toward productive expression.”

“Stability and structure are necessary components in a healthy home.”

“ScreamFree Parenting is not a problem-solving or behavioral modification model; it is a growth model.”

“Loving yourself first is the only true way to be ScreamFree, because it is the only way to seek your own calm first.  It is the only way to truly benefit your kids without burdening them with the need to benefit you.”

How this has changed my parenting…

Since reading this book, I have found myself calm when my two-year-old son says “no” or hits in rebellion to my requests. I give him a choice to obey or disobey and suffer a consequence; I allow him to make his choice and enforce the consequence calmly without getting anxious about what he chooses. I now recognize that I can only control myself, and I have been doing more things to take care of myself so that I am more energized and in a healthier mental and emotional state to take care of my son.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger

Author: Julie Ann Barnhill

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Harvest House Publishers

Pages: 272 pages

Author’s Web-site: http://www.juliebarnhill.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

If you tell yourself “I am not going to get angry again and loose my temper with my children.” Yet again, you find yourself losing your temper only to be left with a sense of guilt and despair. Also, if you are struggling with the joys of parenting and/or to enjoy your children.

“In a nut shell”…

This book is about one mother’s open and honest journey through her parenting experience and her battle with anger. She candidly shares, with a touch of humor, her own daily struggles and mistakes as a mother. She reassures, all mothers, that they are not alone in the struggles that come with raising a family. She offers useful and helpful advice to deal with the anger in your life and begin to take step towards change.

Key Ideas…

Julie Ann Barnhill breaks down her book into two parts.

In the first part, she explores the various reasons women may be dealing with anger, likening them to volcanoes. She focuses on understanding your “style of erupting.” She explains three styles of eruption. The first is a simmering anger often displayed in a negative attitude towards life. The second style is described as an eruption that spews “verbal cinders of sarcasm” (Pg 35). The third style is an explosive eruption generating both verbal and physical abuse. She challenges that any of those types of eruptions can cause our children harm; therefore, we should desire to seek help.

Julie also focuses on recognizing the warning signs and the underground issues of anger, as well as, when you’ve gone too far. She tells of three warning signs that may lead to an eruption. The first, she describes as “little triggers, big eruptions” (Pg 53), which are the many little things that can cause stress. The second is sarcastic language that we tend to emit when irritable and the third is your own physical condition (i.e. PMS) that can set off explosive responses. She then categorizes the underground issues into three pressures that women face. She explains that pressures from the past, pressures from within and mounting pressures can be the root to our anger. Lastly, she shares through her very own account, that if you have induced any bodily harm on your child when angry, that you’ve gone too far. She lovingly encourages women to seek help.

In the second part, Julie provides sound and practical advice to move towards change. She presents 14 insightful and helpful strategies to “keeping things cool.” In addition, she includes appendixes chock-full of information about depression, child development stages and a wide-ranging recommended reading list.

Action Steps…

In each chapter Julie Ann Barnes inserts Time Out/Tamers, which are practical tips, for moms, to help with anger management. Following are the Top Ten:

Times like this are good occasions to start repeating the sane mother’s creed: “This too shall pass.” Pg 21

Sometimes you can short-circuit a volcanic explosion by concentrating on your physical reactions. Remind yourself to breathe deeply and slowly… Pg 36

If piles of laundry – or any other visual annoyance – tend to shake your temper, find a way to put them out of sight until you can do something about them. Pg 51

Learn to recognize the physical signs of anger in order to gain control over them and stop your anger from escalating. Pg 60

In so many stressful parenting situations laughter really can save you. Take advantage of the fact that your children really are funny…and let the tension escape through a laugh instead of a tantrum. Pg 88

Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology. When you realize you’ve misdirected anger toward your children…admit it. Pg 89

We can lessen the stress and improve our relationships if we consciously choose to forgive the child that is “always” doing something that upsets or bothers us. Pg 95

Looking your child square in the eye and tenderly holding his face in your hands, say, “I love you just the way you are!” Pg 102

If the unexpected throws you for a loop and triggers responses of anger then take a few minutes to plan for the unexpected in order to prevent angry eruptions. Pg 122

If PMS is a problem for you, you can alleviate some of the discomfort by simply decreasing your salt intake. Pg 179

Quotables…

“Do you find yourself assuming that you’re the only mother struggling with anger toward your children? The mother that you least expect may be burdened with the most secrets of anger and rage.” Pg 26

“This is the nagging issue of mother guilt. And this one’s a real pressure cooker for most of us because we have bought into assumption that, whatever happens to our children ‘it’s my fault because I’m the mom.’” Pg 86

“You had high ideals…and you watch many of those ideals come crashing down and pile up in a heap of reality around your Cheerio-encrusted toes…But take heart, dear friend. There is light at the end of the tunnel…and this time it’s not an annoying blue engine named Thomas! No, this light of hope is the loving and satisfying relationship that you and your child will experience as a result of your acknowledging…and dealing with your anger. Pg 232

How this has changed my parenting…

In dealing with my own anger, as a mother, I was most relieved to learn that I was not alone. This book encouraged me to continue to openly share my battle with anger, as a parent.  I was able to share my struggles with my friends and build a support group, even if they didn’t necessarily have the same struggles. The greatest nuggets of wisdom that I gleaned from this book were learning to admit my mistakes, apologize to my children, as well as forgiving their little quirks, and loving them for their wonderful little personalities. Julie Ann Barnhill’s strategies presented me with some practical steps in anger management.

My top Five Strategies are:

Strategy # 3: Take care of you physical self: Make sure to take the time to visit doctors/dentist and exercise.

Strategy # 6: Have a plan for discipline: A little advance preparation can do a lot to reduce stress.

Strategy # 10: Childproof you mouth: Control your tongue and think before you speak.

Strategy # 12: Adjust your attitude: Learn to be content in all things.

Strategy # 14: Start a support group: Find three or four other moms that have similar struggles and meet regularly.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Shepherding a Child's Heart

Author: Tedd Tripp

Year of Publication: 1995

Publisher: Shepherd Press

Pages: 237

Author’s Web-site: http://www.paultrippministries.org

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn about a Biblical approach to parenting that focuses on the root of the issue – the heart attitude.

“In a nut shell”…

The condition of the heart is at the core of why kids do what they do. Without a change of heart, no true change in behavior can take place. To change behavior you need to understand your child’s “heart condition” and why he or she is exhibiting the behavior you see.

Key Ideas…

Consistency is the key to security forming the child’s worldview.  Asking questions helps you understand what is going on in a child’s heart.  The “why” behind the behavior can only be addressed by understanding the “condition of a child’s heart.”

The behavior is not the main issue; changed behavior does not necessarily mean a changed heart. This is foundational to all relationships, not only with children but adults also.

Parents need to realize that things going on at home or school may drive the behavior that impacts the child’s heart.  Examples: divorce, stress, parents working long hours, controlling attitudes, drugs, problems with school friends, low grades, feelings of insecurity

Action Steps…

Make sure you are consistent with your spouse in how you research the “condition of the heart” and how you will disciple and communicate the changes in behavior you desire.

Understand your child’s needs in order to change behavior. Helping your child understand his or her behavior and heart condition will provide lasting change.

Prayer in the home and focus on the Bible for peace, joy and strength can have a huge impact on the child and parents alike.

The ability to say “I’m sorry” or “I made a mistake” as a parent opens up communication and models unconditional love.

We need to shepherd our children so that they develop Biblical attitudes. We are reinforcing them with scripture so they learn the “why.”

Quotables…

“The Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center of life. A person’s life is a reflection of his heart.  Proverbs 4:23 states it like this: ‘Above all else, guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.’” Pg 3

How this has changed my parenting…

Before reading this book, I was drawn to the things I learned in college about child development and psychology as a solution. The secular training was helpful in understanding the physiological and emotional stages a child goes through, but heart issues with a more spiritual aspect were not addressed.

I found with my own daughter that many times the secular methods only resulted in temporary changes and not the lasting results I longed for in my child. I wanted her to learn to be self-disciplined with a good attitude. In her heart, she needs to want to do the right thing, not because I was always the enforcer.

As I have worked with children with deep hurts of rejection in Africa, I have found that you can only help a child heal by understanding their hearts. Many of the techniques of consistency in the secular world are great tools but the bottom line is that behavior will not change unless the heart changes. This was the most important thing I learned even with older children. If you make a mistake, it is important to model humility and say you are sorry. It is never too late to adjust how you relate to older children. This was a huge encouragement to me as I apologized to my adult daughter for things I didn’t handle well when she was a child. God is an amazing restoration expert and the book is an encouragement to any parent.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Siblings Without Rivalry

Author: Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Year of Publication: 1987, 2004

Publisher: HarperPaperbacks

Pages: 246 pages

Author’s Web-site: http://www.fabermazlish.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want your children to get along better and build good relationships.

“In a nut shell”…

Sibling rivalry is a common part of growing up with siblings. Instead of letting it destroy your children’s relationship, this book gives you tools to help your children learn how to relate to one other in a more positive way.

Key Ideas…

Sibling rivalry is normal; not something to be afraid of, but something we should see as a “classroom” in which children learn to form healthy relationships. What relational skills they learn within the family, dealing with conflict, disappointment in not getting their own way, sharing belongings, etc, they will carry with them into life..

Recognizing your children’s negative feelings towards their siblings is essential in the process of forming more positive ones. We need to give them a proper outlet to let them have those feelings validated.

Comparing your children to each other, either favorably or unfavorably, is unhealthy.

It is more important to treat your children uniquely than fairly. They want to feel like they are loved and respected for who they are individually. They are unique and so are their needs.

No one (parents, child, siblings) should lock a child into any kind of role. Parents should never label their child (messy, smart, shy), even in ways we think are complimentary.

If you implement these principles into your families life, the fighting will decrease and good feelings between your children will increase.

Action Steps…

Don’t worry about your children being “best friends”. Focus on equipping them with skills (i.e. listening) and attitudes (i.e. humility) they need in all their relationships.

Acknowledge your children’s feelings (negative and positive) towards one another and show them how to deal with angry feelings in an acceptable way.

Evaluate yourself in how you deal with angry feelings – what kind of role model are you?

Evaluate the needs of each child individually. Explain to them that things may not be equal, and that is OK.

Do not put your children in roles, encourage them to try different activities.

Instead of talking about negative behavior, use statements such as “I know you have an incredible ability to be kind. Please use that ability!”

Tell children that hurting one another will not be allowed.

Do not force your children to share their possessions. You may encourage it, but forcing it will increase resentment between your children.

Quotables…

“Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.” Pg 49

“The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other sibling to have to listen to.” Pg 58

“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” Pg 69

“Treat our children, not as they are, but as we hope they will become.” Pg 103

“Basically we try not to interfere (when fighting), but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other.” Pg 156

Miscellaneous…

How to Handle the Fighting

(Pgs 143 & 144)

Normal bickering: Ignore it; Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Situation is heating up: Acknowledge their anger; Reflect each child’s point of view; Describe the problem with respect; Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution; Leave the room.

Situation possibly dangerous: Inquire: “Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (Play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.); Let the children know: “Play fighting by mutual consent only”; Respect your feelings: “You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”

Situation definitely dangerous. Adult intervention necessary: Describe what you see; separate the children.

How this has changed my parenting…

There is some great practical advice in this book. It is relatively easy to implement, because once you think about it, the authors make so much sense. I hadn’t really thought about the things that we do to set our kids up for bickering. I started reading this book thinking that my kids just need to change but realized that there are several things my husband and I need to change in our parenting. It was refreshing to realize that what my children are going through is normal and that they really are learning some valuable life skills by interacting with each other.

We just recently had a big discussion about the kids being treated equally and they both walked away thinking the last thing they wanted to be was treated equally, just uniquely. The above guidelines about fighting have really helped: it takes the pressure off of me to solve the issues and let’s the kids do it with minimal intervention from me.

I felt that my kids should share everything and I would try to force them to do so, but I realized that it is good for them to have a choice in sharing.

Sibling rivalry is much more than kids fighting all the time. It really is important that we help them navigate through this relationship by doing our part.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Supernanny: How to Get the Best from Your Children

Author: Jo Frost

Year of Publication: 2005

Publisher: Hyperion

Pages: 223

Author’s Web-site: http://www.jofrost.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want easy strategies for dealing with everyday problems that you face with your child under age five.

“In a nut shell”…

This book covers a variety of topics that a parent of a child under age five will find useful.

Key Ideas and Action Steps…

Basic Techniques

Ages and Stages:

Birth to six months—Your baby needs lots of love and contact. She cannot be forced into a routine or be spoiled. So attend to your child every time they cry. You will soon be able to distinguish her cries (hunger, tired, dirty, etc.)

Six to Eighteen Months—Your baby is more active and begins to explore her world.  Start child-proofing your home early on. Your baby will start to develop her character. You can discipline, but use a low, firm voice. She will respond to your tone even if she doesn’t understand your words.

Eighteen Months to Three Years – Your toddler is at a stage where she wants to explore and experience the world like a 5 year old, but lacks the self-control to make good decisions. This sets up a trying age commonly known as the “terrible two’s”. Your toddler will usually lack patience, not be able to plan ahead, cannot control herself and has no sense of danger. This is the age to start setting boundaries with your toddler and to be consistent with the boundaries.

Three to Five – At this age your preschooler will have more control over her actions and will begin to play with others. She will ask lots of “why” questions at this age and will usually have a vivid imagination.

Routines and Rules:  Establishing a daily routine will make sure that your child’s physical needs are met at the right time which will cut down on tantrums related to being hungry or tired. It is also a way to reduce defiance when the next activity needs to begin (e.g., bath time, bedtime) because your child will already expect what is coming next because of the daily routine. Rules are necessary for children, but you need to be consistent no matter who is watching your child and establish rules that your child can realistically follow at her particular age.

Setting Boundaries: Discipline is the fine line between setting rules with your children yet still being warm and loving. Respect needs to happen on both sides. However, if you discipline your kids too much you might break their spirit. Not enough and you are setting them up for failure when they get outside of home (e.g. school, making friends). When disciplining your child, keep in mind that children pick up on your tone of voice and body language. Make sure you get down on their level and talk in a low, firm voice. In addition, make sure you praise your child when they do things right. This way they don’t have to act out just to get your attention. Be consistent and act immediately when disciplining, but never discipline when your child is ill, there is doubt as to who did what to whom, when your child’s behavior has shocked her and she is really sorry, there is a big change in family life (move, new baby, etc.), or when she has already been disciplined.

 

Troubleshooting

Dressing: When dressing challenges arise make sure you follow these steps to solve them: Offer your child a few choices on what to wear and be clear on what type of clothing they need to wear. Involve her and teach and encourage her to dress herself. Use firm and fair control if you experience repeated struggles.

Toilet Training: The optimal age for toilet training is between 2 ½ and 3 years. At this age your child is old enough to have control over her bladder and bowels and can realize when she is about to go. If you train too early you may be training for months whereas if you wait until your child is ready, the training process will only take a few weeks. When it is time to toilet train, learn to identify the signs when your child needs to go, keep clothing simple, praise him when he pees or poos, ask him if he needs to go constantly throughout the day, keep the potty close at hand, and be consistent, calm and confident. Also, do not use pull-ups during this stage. It confuses the child.  Use either diapers or pants.

Eating: For the first four months of life your baby should only be given breast milk or formula. If your baby is still hungry after a feeding, he needs more milk, not solid food. Cow’s milk should never be given before 1 year. It contains too much protein for babies. Begin introducing solid food after 4 months if your child is still hungry after milk or he is experiencing a lull in weight gain. He may not like the taste or texture at first, but keep on trying little by little and wait a week or two if necessary. Introduce one food at a time to see if a certain food is disliked or causes an allergic reaction. After the age of one and a half a toddler should be able to eat anything the family eats, provided it is cut up in small enough bites. Introduce a variety of foods early on. Keep portions small and stick with three main meals a day with 2 daytime healthy snacks.

Social Skills: It is very important for a child to learn how to get along with other people. While a toddler may see other people as standing in the way of what they want to do, preschoolers will soon realize that sharing and taking turns are good skills to have. You can help your child by making clear what the limits are when it comes to playtime. By joining in and having fun with your child at every stage you will teach them necessary social skills. Playing is not only how children have fun, but it is how they learn. Even by simply having your child “help” you do chores you will be teaching them valuable social skills. A child cannot distinguish “work” from “play”. When it comes to sharing and taking turns, practice at home with simple lessons. And if children are playing well together, don’t hover. They will sort out their own problems and develop their own friendships without you constantly being there.

Bedtime: Establishing a nightly bedtime routine is key to helping ease the transition from daytime to bedtime. First, set a time for going to bed. For preschoolers, a bedtime between 7:00 and 8:00 works best. With a set bedtime it gives older children one on one time with you or allows you and your partner some much needed relaxation. When setting your bedtime routine, it is important to allow just the amount of time for each step. You don’t want to linger on steps (bath, brushing teeth, etc.) so that your child thinks there is room to maneuver, but then again you don’t want to rush through the steps.

Quality Time: Bring up your child is hard work and it is not realistic for every moment spent to be “quality time”. But the rewards come in the fact that you can enjoy this precious period in his life because it will be gone all too quickly. Take every chance to turn chores into fun. Quality time should also allow for each family member to have individual attention and time off.

How this has changed my parenting…

The stand-out point that this book has taught me is the importance of a daily routine. I tend to be a pretty lax parent, but I’ve discovered that since we have started a routine (even though it isn’t super strict) my kids are more easygoing, generally happier, and less cranky at bedtime and throughout the day.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: The Birth Order Book

Author: Dr. Kevin Leman

Year of Publication: 1998

Publisher: Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group

Pages: 351

Author’s Web-site: http://www.drleman.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to understand birth order to benefit personal relationships, marriage, parenting and the business world.

“In a nut shell”…

“Birth order is the science of understanding your place in the family line.”  Pg 14.  Your birth order affects your life and helps you understand yourself and solve your problems.

Key Ideas…

Parents tend to over-identify with the child in the same birth order he or she shares. This can result in the parent putting too much pressure on, or spoiling, that child.

“If the parents are authoritarians who come down too hard and too unreasonably on their first born, they can turn her into a rebel who, instead of excelling in school as most first-borns would, messes up just to foil the plans of her ‘perfect parents.’”  Pg 55

If you have a blended family, treat it like a small company. Have regular meetings where everyone sits down to discuss how their behavior affects other members of the family, and if their behavior is causing problems how they can change it.

First-borns need to “learn the difference between the hopeless pursuit of perfection and the satisfying seeking of excellence.”  Pg 117

Children develop a life theme, which is a personal motto or slogan that the child subconsciously repeats to himself daily and believes with all his heart. You are not totally what your life theme tells you that you are because you have an opportunity to change.

Parents are usually either authoritarian or permissive in their parenting style.

“Authoritarianism is based on a warped idea of limits—the more limits the better.”  Pg 253

“Permissiveness is based on a warped idea of love” Pg 253, that all you have to do is love your child and everything will be fine.

A better style of parenting is authoritative parenting, in which parents use action-oriented techniques of reality discipline. “Discipline should fit the infraction. For example, the child misuses his allowance. When he asks for something extra before the week is out, you simply say, ‘Sorry, you will have to use your allowance and if you haven’t any left, you will have to wait until Saturday.’” Pg 266  “With reality discipline parents never seek to punish; they always seek to discipline, train and teach.”  Pg 260

Action Steps…

Disciplining children is a way to best love them.

If you spank your child, you should be under control, not angry, and always tell the child afterward why he was spanked. After spanking, hold your child, tell the child what behavior you expect in the future, and listen to your child to find out why your child acted the way she did. “A good reason to spank is when the child’s safety is involved—when he repeatedly insists on doing something dangerous, like running out into the street.”  Pg 259

Tips for parenting first born and only children

“So look for ways to show your child that you are human, that you understand, that you are not perfect, and that mistakes are not the end of the world. Every time you do this, you help your first-born or only child become less of a perfectionist who grows up to whip and drive himself with expectations that are far beyond human capacity.” Pg 285

When you bring your second born child home from the hospital, get the first born to help with the baby (the first born can help feed and diaper the new baby, for example).

Don’t let your first born child manipulate you to get special advantages, or give in to a temper tantrum or tears.

All children need encouragement rather than prodding. “Learn to simply hold your child when he or she is having problems.  Just say, ‘Everything’s going to be okay.  What’s the problem?…Would you like me to help?’”  Pg 283

Don’t compare your children.

Give all of your children plenty of one-on-one time.

Tips for parenting middle children

“Recognize that many middle children avoid sharing how they really feel about things. If your middle child is an avoider, set aside times for just the two of you to talk.”  Pg 319

“Take extra care to make your middle child feel special.”  Pg 319  Ask your middle child for his opinion or let him make decisions.

Let your middle child have regular privileges each day or week. Make sure it is something the middle child gets to do exclusively.

Tips for parenting last-born children

Be sure to give your last born child plenty of responsibilities around the house.

Make sure your last born child is required to comply with family rules and regulations.

“Make a big deal out of your last born’s accomplishments” and be sure to display the child’s school papers and drawings.  Pg 336

Begin reading to your youngest child very early (as early as six months).

Quotables…

“Reality disciplinarians hold their children accountable for their actions, whatever those actions are, to help their children learn from experience…in all cases children are responsible and accountable for what they do.”  Pg 260

“The way parents treat their children is as important as their birth order, spacing, sex, and physical or mental characteristics. The key question is: Was the environment provided by the parents loving, accepting, and warm or was it critical, cold, and distant?”  Pg 338

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

“[w]hen there is a five- to six-year gap, the next child starts a ‘new family.’ When there is a gap of seven to ten years (or more), the next child falls into the ‘quasi-only child’ category…” Pg 22

First-born girls who grow up under a very critical father are often hard on themselves and put themselves in unhealthy situations.

First borns “tend to be conscientious, well organized, serious, goal oriented, achieving, people pleasers, and believers in authority.”  Pg 78

The only child can be self-centered because he or she does not have to share with siblings.

Second borns are usually the opposite of first borns.

Middle born children often spend more time with their peer group than any other child in the family does.

Last born children are usually charming, affectionate, persistent, rebellious, temperamental, manipulative, spoiled and impatient. Last-borns are usually good salespeople.

“Opposites not only attract, they are usually good for one another in a marriage setting.”  Pg 217

How this has changed my parenting…

I am a first-born, so it was helpful for me to learn more about myself and my tendencies toward perfectionism. Now I will encourage my first-born child (and all my children) to strive for excellence rather than perfection. For example, when my son helps out around the house, I won’t correct his imperfections, but instead will just thank him for helping.

This book also helped me better understand why my husband, who is a middle child, often does things differently from me. It made me appreciate and be thankful for our differences.

I also understand the importance of giving attention to the last born. It is easier to just let them ride the wave of the family. But, that tendency can lead to permissiveness, which then causes problems for the entire family system.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: The Five Love Languages of Children

Author: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

Year of Publication: 1997

Publisher: Northfield Publishing

Pages: 189 pages

Author’s Web-site: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn how to show your child unconditional love in a way that she or he understands and receives love. Since love is the most basic need of every child, we need to find out how our child uniquely receives love and then learn how to love them in that way. This will make disciplining your child and teaching them much more manageable and effective.

“In a nut shell”…

Love is the foundation for helping a child develop a healthy self-esteem so that they can learn how to handle anger, develop healthy relational skills, and develop their special gifts and talents to contribute to society.  This book describes the five basic love languages and how to find out which one is your child’s primary one and your primary one. You will learn how to respond to your child in the best way for him or her to understand in situations of discipline, learning, anger or encouragement.

Key Ideas…

The five love languages are as follows:

Physical touch –All children have a need for physical touch, but some get their emotional tanks filled this way. For young children it may mean lots of kisses and hugs and holding on your lap. For older ones, it may mean wrestling with your son on the floor or patting him on the back or hugging your daughter as she comes home from school or leaves to go out with friends.

Words of affirmation – children deeply believe what we say. If there is a lack of encouraging words or if they don’t regularly hear “I love you,” some children will not feel that you love them even if you are showing them in many other ways. These words are different than praising your child for an accomplishment, but these words are praise and appreciation for who the child is and compliments on what she does as a result. Frequent random praise with no real thought out truth behind it will sound like empty flattery to a child who feels love through words, so be careful to be truthful as you use encouraging words to guide your child and show them unconditional love.

Quality time – this is your gift of presence to your child, your undivided attention. You are showing your child that he or she is important and you like being with them. You can just play a game together or go out for lunch. This requires the parent to sacrifice a precious commodity, time, in order to spend time alone with your child. If your child’s primary love language is quality time, without a large supply of quality time and focused attention, your child will start to feel that you don’t really love him.

Gifts – everyone likes to receive gifts, but the child who feels most loved by getting gifts will keep special gifts in a special place and always tell others about them and who they got them from. These gifts are usually not expensive or big. Don’t just get them anything and everything, but be sure that your gift is a true expression of your love and show love using the other love languages as well so the gift will further convey your unconditional love.

Acts of service – parenting requires lots of ‘acts of service’ as you physically care for your children, but these aren’t always pure acts of love but duty. Children who receive love by being served feel loved when their parents help them do things they can’t do for themselves or help them get something done that would be a struggle to do alone.

Action Steps…

Discovering your child’s primary love language takes time. Young children are still experimenting with different ways of receiving and showing love. You need to speak all five love languages while specializing in their primary language.

Observe how your child expresses love to you.

Observe how your child expresses love to others.

Listen to what your child requests most often.

Notice what your child most frequently complains about.

Give your child a choice between two options (between two love languages).

We must discipline a child in love so to do this you need to know that children are constantly testing our love for them by their behavior. So ask yourself what your child needs when he is misbehaving. Your goal is not just to correct his behavior but to guide and train a child toward right behavior and good choices, forming a heart of compassion and selflessness.

Quotables…

“…speaking your child’s primary love language helps her feel loved. When your child feels loved, when her emotional tank is full, she will be more responsive to parental guidance in all areas of her life.” Pg 97

“When we as parent learn to speak our children’s love language, even though it differs from our own, we are showing them the way of unselfishness, the way of serving others.” Pg 98

Miscellaneous…

Be sure to speak love to your child in her primary love language before and after you correct or punish them.

A warm and loving relationship between parent and child provides a foundation for a child’s desire and ability to learn because for a child to be able to learn well, he must be emotionally mature according to his age. Parents have the greatest effect on a child’s emotional growth and we can give our children a learning advantage by filling their love tanks in the way they uniquely receive love.

Anger and love are strongly related. We must learn what anger is and how to handle it appropriately in order to teach our children to do the same. Anger is the primary lifetime threat to your child, and if your child doesn’t learn to handle anger well, it will damage or destroy him.

How this has changed my parenting…

Instead of just punishing my children when they misbehave, I first make sure I am doing all I can to make them feel loved by speaking their unique love languages. Then I ask myself what they need when they misbehave.

For my oldest daughter, she receives love through quality time and sometimes gifts. If I am not spending enough time just with her, she tends to not receive my parental guidance as well and fights against my correction and discipline.

My youngest receives love through words and sometimes physical touch as she is still only 4 years old. Whenever I must correct her wrong behavior, I make sure to hug her before and after the correction and to always tell her I love her and to thank her for how she listens and tries to make good choices.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: The Key to Your Child's Heart

Author: Gary Smalley

Year of Publication: 1984

Publisher: Word Publishing

Pages: 176

Author’s Web-site: http://www.garysmalley.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Have a child who tends to easily isolate themselves from the rest of the family, OR who is angry or pouts for no apparent reason, over a longer period of time than a day or two, OR if you need some creative new ideas on raising your teens, challenging them, holding them accountable, and teaching them responsibility.

“In a nut shell”…

This book helped me understand one of my children who had been offended and we were not even aware of it. He had a hard time receiving our love and communicating with us. His spirit was closed to us and to others that we knew he loved. This book showed us how to reopen his spirit and better understand how he felt offended and why. He was three years old at the time.

Key Ideas…

Raise your children with an open spirit by lovingly setting guidelines and creating a warm, close home life. In this way you help them grow up confident and responsible as well as share fulfilling lifelong relationships with them.

Four Basic Types of Parenting: Dominant (produces the most negative qualities in children), Neglectful (tend to lack both loving support and control over their children), Permissive (warm and supportive, weak in establishing and enforcing rules and limits for their children), Loving and Firm (clearly defined rules, limits, and standards for living).

Action Steps…

There is a list of 84 ways we offend our children: misunderstanding their motives or being insensitive or rough with them emotionally, and/or breaking promises to them that seem small to us. You can learn how to discern if your child’s spirit has been closed to others: resistant, argues, seeks unhealthy relationships, uses disrespectful language. If our spirits are closed to others, then we are not open to deep relationships or even communication with others. We can close down and begin to isolate ourselves, either from those that hurt us or where we perceive the hurt to be.

5 Ways to Reopen the Spirit: Become Tenderhearted, Increase Understanding, Recognize the Offense, Attempt to Touch, Seek Forgiveness.

Express loving support to children: The author specifically talks about aspects of relationships with one another that may not be commonly thought of, such as, unconditional commitment, scheduling times together, being available to our children, treating them tenderly and using eye contact. He helps the reader understand how to better listen to each other, understand each other and how to use meaningful touch.

Simple suggested limits for children ages 3-5:

We will obey God as we understand the Bible.

We will obey Mommy and Daddy.

We will be kind to people and things—God’s creation.

Three ways to motivate children – a powerful way to change behavior:

Using their natural bent – understand your child’s personality and temperament and learn their basic interests and talents. When you know his/her goals, you can use them to read, eat healthier, meet people, etc.

Using the “salt” principle – The old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”, is not necessarily true. If you dump salt into his oats he will become thirsty. Use your child’s interests to share things that will help him/her be successful. Guidelines: clearly identify what you wish to communicate, identify your listeners most important interests, share just enough of your idea to stimulate curiosity, use questions to increase curiosity, communicate your important information or idea only after you see you have your child’s interest and attention.

Using emotional word pictures – associating our feelings with either a real or imaginary explanation – this allows us to connect deeply with one another.  (“I feel like the color blue,” “Cars don’t do without gas, you won’t go without food,”)

Close-Knit families appreciate each other, spend a great deal of time together, practice good communication patterns, have a strong sense of commitment, have a high degree of religious orientation, and can deal with crisis in a positive manner.

Quotables…

“I’ve found that if we carefully watch non-verbal expressions, we can add to our understanding of what’s going on inside a child.“ Pg 35

“People do what you inspect not what you expect.” Henry Brandt Pg 93

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

In training children, the emphasis should be 45% structure with limits and 55% a loving relationship.

How this has changed my parenting…

I chose to review this book because the principles outlined here radically and positively affected the ways we parented our four young children. That was 25 years ago, and I feel that our children, as adults today, are more well-rounded due to some of the principles we learned from this book. I highly recommend having this book as a resource in your own personal library. It is helpful to refer back to all along the way during your family’s developments. I don’t think you ever outgrow this book!

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: The New Dare to Discipline

Author: Dr. James Dobson

Year of Publication: 1970, 1992

Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc

Pages: 251

Author’s Web-site: http://www.focusonthefamily.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn how to effectively and lovingly discipline your children. Through the encouraging words of Dr. Dobson, you will learn how to enforce boundaries in your home.

“In a nut shell”…

Dr. Dobson’s book explains how to tenderly apply discipline through common-sense child rearing and using the law of reinforcement to instill positive behavior and change negative behavior. This book also helps educators break down the barriers of learning and discipline within the classroom setting.

Key Ideas…

When properly applied, loving discipline works. There is a difference between discipline and punishment: discipline is directed at the behavior, punishment is directed at the individual. Verbal rewards to a child are great and a parent needs to make sure to tell the child that they love them and make a big deal of actions that the parent wants a child to repeat. In other words, ignore the actions that a parent does not want a child to take.  Serious discipline, such as spanking, occurs when there is willful defiance toward the parent and not for childish irresponsibility.

The teacher/educator section of the book is the second half of the book and discusses how to have enough structure and discipline in the classroom to require certain behaviors from their students. One of the purposes of education is to prepare the young for responsibilities later in life (being on time, homework assignments, being prepared, getting along with others, staying focused to get the task complete, etc.)

Action Steps…

Common Sense Child Rearing:

Developing respect for parents is the critical factor in child management.

During the toddler phase is the best time to establish yourself, gently but persistently, as being in charge.  Spanking should be an immediate response to a defiant “I will not” or “You shut up”.  By interpreting the meaning behind the behavior, a parent can apply the appropriate discipline and seek the ultimate goal of maintaining the child’s respect.

The best opportunity to communicate occurs after a disciplinary event.

Children will seek out parent’s love after discipline and by having open, welcoming arms, you show your child that is the behavior – not the child – that you reject.

Control without nagging (it is possible).

Don’t saturate the child with materialism.   “If you never allow a child to want something, he never enjoys the pleasure of receiving it.” Pg 45

Establish a balance between love and discipline.

Make sure your child knows who is in charge, show them that you love them and treat your child with respect and dignity, and expect them to treat you the same way.

The Law of Reinforcement is another topic that Dr. Dobson discussed in his book. He states that “behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur.” We are all motivated by what pleases us and this can be useful in teaching responsible behavior with boys and girls. One way is to use rewards, but they must be granted quickly. These rewards need not be material in nature as anything desirable can reinforce behavior (such as words of praise). Anything that is considered desirable to a person can be reinforcement for their behavior. Children are so variable that for some children a stern look is all that is needed to help a child know who is in charge, while others seem to require strong and even painful disciplinary measures to make an impression.

When disciplinary measures fail, it is usually due to errors in their application. There are a few basic reasons for the lack of success. The biggest problem is infrequent and unusual discipline.  Parents must be persistent and consistent when disciplining children. Also, the child may be more strong-willed than the parent, and they both know it.

There are three types of barriers to learning with some children, the Late Bloomer, the Slow Learner, and the Underachiever. The Late Bloomer is a developmental lag and can be helped if “held-back” a year in school. The Slow Learner has the inability to learn as quickly as his peers.  Accommodations can be made to help slow learners thrive by teaching them to read in a one-to-one environment, shield them from the devastations of failure, and remember that success breeds success. The Underachiever is a student who doesn’t quite have the self-discipline to motivate themselves to do well. So, create a way to motivate an Underachiever by setting goals with positive reinforcements.

Quotables…

“Parents who are cold and stern with their sons and daughters often leave them damaged for life.” Pg 12

“The parent-child relationship is the first and most important social interaction a youngster will have.” Pg 18

“The parent’s demonstration of authority builds respect like no other process.” Pg 35

“Discipline for adolescents and teens should involve lost privileges, financial deprivation, and related forms of non-physical retribution.” Pg 72

“Verbal reinforcement can be the strongest motivator of human beings.” Pg 92

“…valuable formula for managing children and teenagers: give them maximum reason to comply with your wishes.  Your anger is the least effective motivation…” Pg 118

Miscellaneous…

From “Chapter 11: A Moment for Moms”

Reserve some time for yourself – put yourself on the priority list too.

Don’t struggle with things you can’t change.

Don’t deal with big problems late at night – all problems seem more unsolvable at night, and the decisions that are reached then may be more emotional than rational.

Try making a list – there is comfort in making a list of duties to be performed.

Seek Divine Assistance – all the parenting solutions can be found through prayer and personal appeal to God, our Creator.

How this has changed my parenting…

I now have tools to use so that I can be prepared to help raise my children in a disciplined and loving environment. I am no longer afraid to discipline them or spank them (when it is necessary) because I know that all the love and positive time spent with them will enable these discipline occasions to strengthen our bond. I am also equipped to work on positive behavior reinforcement.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: The Wonder of Boys

Author: Michael Gurian

Year of Publication: 1996/2006

Publisher: Jeremy P. Tarcher/ Penguin

Pages: 295

Author’s Web-site: http://www.michaelgurian.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to understand how God made boys the way they are, what they need to grow into mature and moral men, and what practical steps that you as parents can take to guide your sons from childhood to adulthood.

“In a nut shell”…

In tribal cultures, boys are brought up by all of the men in the tribe to honor and respect their biological differences as males. In our culture, it takes parents, male role models, and the society (media, education institutions, government, etc.) to train up a man to respect the body that God gave him, personally connect with God, find meaningful work, learn how to interact with men and women, and be a positive contributing member of society. This book is also very helpful for single mothers to encourage them to find male role models for their sons. They do not need to bear the brunt of raising sons all alone.

Key Ideas…

Boys need a “tribe” of three families to be involved in their upbringing: Primary caregivers, Extended Family (people they see daily,) Culture & Community (church, media, community figures, etc.)

God made girls and boys differently just as he intended: Boys need a lot of space to explore, boys hear better in one ear than the other, boys process and release feeling in quick bursts of energy due to testosterone, boys delay emotional reactions in order to solve problems first, and aggression (not violence) is hard wired to them. We as parents need to understand and channel these qualities in a positive way.

Boys and men need nurtured competition and goal-oriented work. Organized sports and hobbies are important for them to connect with a sacred purpose that God has for them.

A boy has a second birth into manhood (after age 10.) Adolescents need to have male mentors with whom they can honestly discuss the “shadowy/ sinful” side of self, self control, spirituality, relating to females, finding meaningful work, etc.

Action Steps…

Gurian explains the elements and techniques of healthy discipline. There are many practical tools that Gurian gives in the book. A few key discipline techniques include:  demonstrate to the boy how his actions affect the world around him, redirect his aggression to inanimate objects, use a stern tone, take away toys or privileges, negotiate and provide choices when possible, make tasks and chores into “games,” and NEVER hit or use violence in discipline.

In teaching morals, values, and spirituality, we must be clear on where we stand first. Gurian explains the stages of a boy’s moral development, and how to navigate these.  Stories of “heroes”(like mythology and true Bible stories) capture their attention better than lectures and are great ways to teach boys about the qualities of moral, strong, and spiritual men.

Teaching boys about sex and love requires honest conversations regarding sex, love and commitment. Boys need to know that their sexual feelings aren’t bad in and of themselves, and that God made their bodies for a sacred purpose. Male mentors can help them acknowledge these urges while also teaching self-control and respect for others.

Give boys important work from an early age. God made us to do important work in his kingdom. Work helps males feel like they belong, gives them confidence, and helps them be responsible “husbands” in society.

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

In the past couple of decades, educators, government, and media has been focusing on child rearing and education geared to females to give them equality in our society. However, research shows that we are not focusing enough of our time and resources on raising boys:

Boys are more likely to drop out of school

Females outnumber males in college and graduate school

Boys are more likely to be physically abused by a parent than girls

Boys are four times more likely to commit suicide

Miscellaneous…

Very helpful chapters focused on mother-son and father-son relationships. A couple of key lessons for mothers (especially single mothers) are: Mothers should not force sons to care for their emotional needs.  Boys should be allowed to separate from mothers in their second decade of life into the world of men.  Some good advice for fathers: Fathers need to make a conscious decision to be involved as fathers from conception, and they need to be self aware of their values, beliefs, and actions as role models for their sons.  A personal relationship with frequent communication is vital for fathers and sons.

How this has changed my parenting…

I am more aware of the wonderful ways that God made girls and boys different. I will embrace those differences, and ask God to help us to raise our son into the man God desires him to become: A man who follows Christ, is a good husband and father, and makes a positive difference to world around him.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Respektovat a byt respektován (To Respect and Be Respected)

Author: Pavel Kopriva, Tatjana Koprivová, Jana Nová␣ková, Dobromila Nevolová

Year of Publication: 2008

Publisher: Spirála, Kromeriz

Pages: 286

Author’s Web-site: www.zkola.cz/respektovat

Full Book Available in: Czech

You should read this book if you…

Don’t want to bring up your children in the same way you were brought up by your parents but you don’t know another way. You will learn what is not effective and how to correct ineffective ways of parenting. In addition to theory, the book gives specific guidelines for communicating with your children (and adults also).

“In a nut shell”…

The goal of this book is to convey some very valuable ideas on raising children – regardless of their age. The writers believe that in addition to love there is another necessary condition for successful parenting, which is to respect your children. If we want our children to respect other people they must first experience what it means to be respected.

Key Ideas…

• Punishment transfers the power model to different relationships and draws others into an exhausting “power game”.
• Whenever we demand obedience from our children (act as authoritarians), we are actually teaching them to not take responsibility for their actions. We don’t give them the opportunity for natural consequences.
• It isn’t possible to raise children authoritatively and then expect them to behave democratically.
• The real test of our parenting is how our children behave when we are not around.
• The correct opposite to authoritarian obedience is not disobedience or “I’ll do whatever I want”. It is responsibility, that is, not submission to another person (an authority figure), but being led by internal values. There is a big difference between “being led by what is right” and “submitting to someone just because they said so”.
• An obedient child can be a parent’s pride and joy. But when such a child, for example, becomes part of a gang, his unhappy parents say, “He/she was so nice and obedient…” Nothing has changed; the child is still obedient, but now he or she is listening to somebody else.
• An alternative to rewards in discipline is to manage the conditions for children’s actions and behavior such that they experience positive and natural consequences of their actions and behavior.
• The same principles that apply in the home can create success in a school setting. Teachers that focus on developing relationships with students, creating an emotionally safe environment and give students a voice in creating rules will achieve greater cooperation and collaboration.

Action Steps…

• Treat your children in a way that doesn’t hurt their human dignity…do not do anything to them that you would not want them to do to you.
• Try to avoid using words such as always, never, still. Avoid blaming and accusing. Be careful about how you teach, explain and moralize: You should realize that… Do not criticize or focus on mistakes: You did that wrong! When we say things like, “You’re going to send me to an early grave”, we emotionally manipulate our children. Insults and irony have a similar effect, “You’ve really made a name for yourself now!” Do not compare your child with somebody who does something better (e.g., riding a bicycle).
• Instead, take a more positive approach. Observe: I see that you . . .; explain or inform: It will help if you . . .; express expectation: I need you to . . .; give a choice: you may choose this or that . . .; encourage responsibility: what shall we do about . . .
• Do not shout. Shouting is an expression of anger and exasperation, as well as helplessness.
• When you explain a problem to your child, you can ask, “What can you/we do about it?
• What are your suggestions? What do you think? What would help you?”
• Offer more alternatives to your child. (Shall we try to make it together or shall each of us do his part?)
• Before you start to solve problems reasonably – i.e., effectively – try to calm your emotions.
• Listen to your children actively: name the emotions, intentions and expectations of the other person, express support.
• Teach your children that emotions are okay.
• Instead of ordering punishment, let the consequences of incorrect behavior fall on the child.
• Instead of praise and compliments, use feedback and appreciation.

Miscellaneous…

Rewards and praise. This is the chapter which divides parents into two camps. The theory is to recognize a task rather than giving a ‘value’ such as good, bad, etc. You apply praise/rewards or consequence based on the action. (For example, “You worked hard to get a good grade,” instead of “You’re a smart boy.”) Most of my female friends disagree with the theory written in this chapter. As for me, I am somewhere in the middle. These are new ideas for me and I am still processing the theory.

How this has changed my parenting…

For example, we have stopped calling some of our four-year old son’s behavior “naughtiness” and have started to work with it, with patience and an effort to understand. Instead of punishing and especially instead of threatening we are trying to find different ways that don’t degrade our son. Results started coming after a while (it’s important to be patient!), and we were motivated by the results.

When we are tired or just not in a good mood, it is very difficult not to slide back into demands for automatic obedience, which are in us from our childhood. I am beginning to sense, however, that the wisdom of this book is not only applicable in my role as a parent, but communication in other relationships as well. As stated by one of the authors: “If we treat the others with respect and expect respect from them…we will better value ourselves and avoid being dependent on the sentiments of others.”

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles With Your Kids

Author: Jan Faull, M.Ed

Year of Publication: 2000

Publisher: Parenting Press Inc.

Pages: 127

Author’s Web-site: http://www.raneydesign.com/janfaull

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn how to not get in power struggles with your kids.

“In a nut shell”…

This book deals with day to day issues parents have with children such as chores, bedtime, homework or cleaning up “power struggles.” It’s a great book: a quick and interesting read, easy to understand and to the point with many clear examples.

Key Ideas…

Giving choices

When you offer your child a choice, make sure you can live with either option.

Children must live with the responsibility of their choices. For example, your daughter may sign up for swimming, then decide she does not want to swim. It’s important for her to live with the decision until the end of the season.

Guide children through a series of choices that lead to competency. Ask questions and offer choices that will allow your child to succeed.

Power struggles you will always lose

Children are in control of many behaviors including eating, sleeping, and attitude. You can provide healthy foods, but if the child refuses to eat, you cannot force him. And, you will not be able to force your child to sleep. You cannot control a child’s attitude about a situation but you can set limits on the behavior.

Communicating unconditional love to your child

Say I love you and give hugs, back scratches and massages. Another technique is focusing on your child with good eye contact and loving looks. It is important to enter your child’s activities and follow their lead (not trying to compete or instruct the type of play). Notice when your child comes and goes in and out of a room or when he or she comes or leaves home.

Accept a child’s feelings without trying to change it

You can empathize but curb any negative behavior. For example, a child is jealous of their younger sister and pinches her. It is ok to say, “I understand you are jealous of your baby sister, but I cannot allow you to pinch her.”

Help your child out

It is good to set up responsibility, but if a child is stressed about something, for example, losing their homework, it is ok to help them find it. Use the situation as a learning experience.

Action Steps…

“When you must say no, say yes to something else.” For example, you may say no for your son to go to the park alone with a friend, but if he asks if he can cook a macaroni casserole, even though it may cause a big mess, say yes! This way, it satisfies his need for independence.

“Offer choices, negotiate, or compromise on the fly.” For example, a child does not want to wear her shoes to school. You can offer the option of picking between two pairs of shoes…if that does not work, then you can offer the option of either going to school with something on your feet or nothing at all. In the example, the daughter was a bit embarrassed being dropped off to school with no shoes on, so she quickly put them on.

“Develop an incentive program providing a choice to work, or not work, for a reward”. For example, your child wants a Lego space ship, but is not doing his chores. You can offer the space ship as a reward for doing his choices. However, an incentive program is used for a limited amount of time. Once the habit is set into a pattern, the reward system is phased out. You also need to be matter of fact on the days the child chooses not to the chore or work. You can offer a friendly reminder, but do not become emotionally involved in the child choosing not to do the work.

“Offer choices that lead to different consequences”. For example, dad wants three boys to put away their school gear when they came home. Dad would yell at them from another room to put their school stuff away. They would ignore him. Then, dad would angrily come into the room later and put their school gear away. So, dad set a rule, that the TV would remain off and the refrigerator would remain closed until the school gear was put away. He explained the rules and the reasons. The two younger boys quickly complied. The oldest was angry, but with dad being consistent, the oldest boy complied after a few days.

“Reach a compromise through formal negotiations”. Some power struggles need to go through a formal negotiation with the family members involved. The problem needs to be clearly identified, notes need to be taken, ideas need to be thought of and reviewed. And finally, the idea needs to be decided and tried.

Quotables…

“Power struggles are emotional battles between parents and children over who is in control…Your job is to teach, train, influence, to keep your children safe, healthy, teach them values, and guide them until they are old enough to guide themselves. Children, on the other hand, are included toward independence; they wish to supervise themselves. The natural tension between these two positions can result in an emotional battle of wills that is a power struggle” Pg 7.

“Parents need to strike a balance. Turning too many choices and decisions over to children becomes permissiveness. This is the “Do whatever you like” approach to parenting. It tells children you don’t have the interest or energy to care about what they do. You avoid permissiveness by holding onto control in areas of safety and health and dearly held family values…When you allow and encourage your child to make some little choices and decisions that are important to them, self esteem builds at a healthy rate” Pg 18-19.

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

Some parents in powerful positions at work think (wrongly) they can manage their kids in the same and often dictatorial way.

Parents who feel they have little power can become controlling of their physical behavior and can end up in emotional power struggles. For example, a mother who has a dominating husband may turn to dominate her children.  Pg 94-94

Perfectionist parents feel the need to control behavior that deviates from the parent’s standards or point of view. For example, parents will not allow a child to wear clothes that do not match.

Parents who often have unrealistic expectations of their children’s behavior or what they can achieve can also end up in power struggles.

How this has changed my parenting…

I really enjoyed this book. It has helped me realize when I am in a power struggle. It has helped me understand why my children need control and power at times. It is good to know it is ok to hold on sometimes and at times it is ok to let go of a situation.

© 2011 The Family Project

Book Title: What Every Mom Needs

Author: Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall

Year of Publication: 2006

Publisher: Zondervan

Pages: 229

Author’s Web-site: http://www.MOPS.org

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Have a busy life raising children and wonder how to find time to have friendships and develop as a person.

“In a nut shell”…

Mothering is an important job—it shapes our world, our families and ourselves. “If we want to be the best moms possible, we’ll learn to recognize and meet our own needs.” Pg 25 Those needs are: identity, growth, relationship, help, perspective and hope.

Key Ideas…

“We need to see ourselves as God sees us.  This is our true identity…” Pg 42

“Grace means there is nothing I can do to make God love me more, and nothing I can do to make God love me less.” (Phillip Yancey, Pg 41-42)

“We need to hold on to Jesus and satisfy all of our hunger in him. Remember this when life gets busy and you begin running a mile a minute and the empty feeling starts to set in again. ‘I want this…and this…and this…’ I want you, Jesus. Fill me. Show me. Help me. Guide me.” Pg 209

The biggest thing we can do for our children is pray for them. “When we pray we join with the God of the universe who has infinitely more power than anything the world could throw at our children.” Pg 215-216

Action Steps…

Moms “need to grow as individuals, to develop their talents and abilities…as well as to strengthen their character…”  Pg 62

“Seeing you interact with confidence, using innate gifts and learned skills, will encourage others to discover ways in which they can improve their own lives and relationships.” Pg 64

Establish intimacy with your husband by: (1) Asking him questions such as, what is his greatest dream in life? What three adjectives would he like others to use in describing him? (2) Listen to him, resisting the urge to critique or evaluate. Listen, accepting whatever you hear because it reflects something about the one you love. (3) Act on what you heard him say.  (4) Be open to changing yourself if necessary. (5) Forgive. Holding grudges prevents intimacy.

Quotables…

“Perspective means looking beyond the moment with a view toward the whole of life.” Pg 161

“What really matters to you as a mom? A clean home or a kind heart? Your children’s habits or their values? Their appearance or their attitudes and actions?” Pg 166

“Savor the moments of this season that will never come around again. We tend to keep waiting for life to get better when, really, it just gets different. If the grass looks greener on the other side of your fence, it may be because you’re not investing your time and energy in your own grass. Live in the present.” Pg 169

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

A survey of moms revealed that their greatest needs are perspective and hope.

Miscellaneous…

The book listed some age-appropriate tasks for children that were helpful (for example, two and three year olds can help feed pets, put away toys after play, wipe the table, sweep with a small broom and fold dishtowels).

The book also listed age appropriate cleaning games for preschoolers (for example, ask your child to help you pick up all the red toys, then all the blue toys, then all the square toys, etc., sing together as you do a chore, agree to clean up for ten minutes, ask your child to make one side of the bed while you make the other side).

How this has changed my parenting…

This book encouraged me to find out what my gifts are and develop as a person, instead of putting that on hold when I stay at home with my child. Doing so will make me into a better wife and mom.

© 2011 The Family Project

You should read this book if you…

Wonder why your husband never notices things you do, why you struggle to communicate with one another, or what happened to the man you married.

In a “nutshell”…

Healthy guys really want to please their wives. Learn more about your guy. Let him be the guy. Nagging, arguing, and manipulation may work temporarily, but causes resentment and long-lasting damage. Be the brave one and change your behavior. Within days your relationship with your husband will improve.

Key Ideas…

• Improve your unhappy marriage by accepting that your husband is not your “girlfriend.” Understand that he thinks differently than you, and recognize that while the two of you are equal, you’re not the same.
• Learn about and accept his strengths. Allow them to flourish in your relationship.
• Expect to see attitude, behavior, and communication changes in your spouse.

Action Steps…

Dr. Leman provides a five-day plan to have a new husband by Friday.

MONDAY:

• Studies show there are differences between the male and female brain. Men and women behave, feel, think, verbalize, and respond differently.
• Men are sexually aroused by appearance; woman normally prefer interaction. Women expect detailed conversations. A man may have only one good friend, while women tend to have several.
• These differences can make a woman think her husband doesn’t want to be a good husband, but it may be that he just doesn’t know how.

TUESDAY:

• Boys are often rough, competitive, and goofy. Try to understand that your husband still has that “boy” in him.
• His relationship with his mother still influences him today. Did she provide acceptance, belonging, and companionship? How did his father treat his mother? These dynamics influence a man’s expectations in marriage.
• Remember your husband still wants acceptance, belonging, and companionship.

WEDNESDAY:

• Talk so he’ll listen:
  1. Talk when the timing is right.
  2. Be sure to have his attention. (Touching him is helpful.)
  3. Don’t share all the details (as you might with a girlfriend). Give him the facts. And give him time to reflect; don’t expect an immediate reply.
  4. Talk directly and respectfully.

• Ask him to do things in a way that he will want to do them.
  1. Be specific (what, time, and why).
  2. Ask him and then walk away.
  3. Do not resort to hinting, nagging, or complaining. If he doesn’t do it, the reality of an undone chore will be convicting.
  4. If your husband prefers a list, make it short. Show your appreciation for the things he accomplishes.

• Realize your husband sometimes says stupid things.
  1. Resist giving “the look” when he says something that seems thoughtless or disconnected.
  2. Ask him to tell you more. You may discover there is more to what he is saying.

THURSDAY

• Your husband needs to know he is understood, respected, and needed.

1. Marital satisfaction means sexual satisfaction to most men. To most women, it doesn’t.
2. To men, sex is like “the great problem solver”; it is a pressure release.
3. Making love to your husband has the power to heal differences you may have. The intimacy he feels convinces him he is loved.

• Enhance your relationship using the 5 languages of love: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

FRIDAY:

• Marriage is hard work, but it’s worth the effort.

1. Put your husband first. This makes him feel wanted, respected, and fulfilled. His natural response will be to do the same for you.
2. A smart woman allows her man to lead. Instead of asking “What’s in it for me?” she asks the   question, “Do I want to live happily ever after?” If yes, she allows her husband to lead, love, and     serve her. In return, she will generally discover that her husband will knock himself out to be a   good   husband.

• Allowing your husband to lead is simply allowing him to be the man. It does not mean you are choosing to be submissive. Submission in marriage is mutual.

Quotable…

• “Do you really want to be ‘the same’ as your husband? Or do you want a guy who will see you as his equal partner in life—not the same as him but treasured because of how your differences work so well and excitingly together?” Pg 30
• “Men are different, and we like being different.” Pg 33
• “Some women treat their husbands as a third or fourth child, then complain when they act like one.” Pg 182
• “When I walked down that flower-strewn aisle, my lifelong job became to understand Sandra. To love her as she wants and needs to be loved. In the same way, when you said, ‘I do,’ your job became to please, respect, and honor your husband. Not an easy job, but it’s simple. And the rewards are simply incredible.” Pg 183

“THE TOP TEN COUNTDOWN TO HAVING A NEW HUSBAND BY FRIDAY” (Pg 203)

10. Respect what he says.
9. Tell him how important he is.
8. Tell him how much you need him.
7. Pursue him.
6. Don’t correct him or make fun of him. Don’t unearth past misdeeds.
5. Don’t talk down to him. He’s your husband, not your child.
4. Touch him physically. One caress can last a long time and will really get his attention.
3. Say nice things about him and to him.
2. Eliminate the words why, never, and always from your vocabulary. (When you speak in extremes, you stop honest communication cold.)
1. Think about what you’re going to say and divide the amount of words by ten.

Miscellaneous… 

• Leman wants women to realize some general realities of divorce:

1. It is important to be aware of the long-term effects divorce will have on you and your children.
2. Divorce has a high emotional, relational, and financial cost.
3. Prepare for your future by understanding the divorce laws, your finances, child custody options, and where you will live.
4. Have a plan for employment or continuing your education.

• If you are in a dangerous and violent relationship you must leave. You need an escape plan so that you can get out and stay out. Do not go to a nearby friend’s house. If possible, find a women’s shelter. Seek legal counsel and file charges with the authorities.

How this has changed my marriage.

The 5 languages of love work! I’ve found it’s rewarding to combine two or more of them. Giving my husband a cup of hot chocolate with a kind comment are small gestures that make him feel appreciated.

Now that we are both retired, it would be easy just to follow an uninspired daily routine. To keep things interesting, I’ve decided to do more things that my spouse will appreciate. Recently my husband was disappointed to see that some of his favorite work clothes were quite shabby. My first thought was, “Let’s go shopping!” Instead, I patched old jeans, mended a sweatshirt, and replaced missing buttons. My husband liked his “new” clothes.

Dr. Leman’s discussion regarding male and female differences encouraged me to consider how my husband and I manage chores. I realized that he does a lot more work than I do! He does all the yard work and house repairs. It occurred to me that he might be overworked and not enjoying his retirement. We discussed my concerns and I learned that he enjoys working hard. I now show more appreciation for all his hard work and attempt to assist on some of his projects. “Have New Husband by Friday” encouraged us to discuss topics we haven’t considered for a long time.

Book Information:
Book Title | Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His
Attitude, Behavior & Communication in 5 Days
Author |Dr. Kevin Leman
Year of Publication | 2009
Publisher | Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group
Pages | 220

You should read this book if you…

Have a troubled marriage or just want to renew the love in your marriage.

“In a nut shell”…

The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to help them understand and practice unconditional love. It contains the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a strong and lasting marriage.

Key Ideas…

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want him or her to be. It’s a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, especially when you don’t feel like it. Forty unique aspects of love are explained, and then you are challenged to a “dare” to care for or show love to your spouse in some specific and tangible way. Some dares are easy and some are challenging. You are encouraged to record in a journal entry what you did, how your spouse reacted to it, and what is happening to you and your attitude toward your spouse along the way.

Action Steps…

Some dares are fairly simple. Say nothing negative to your spouse. Do an unexpected act of kindness. Buy your spouse a little something. Contact your spouse during the day just to ask how he or she is doing and if you can do anything special. Ask your spouse for three things that irritate him or her about you. Make a list of positive things about your spouse and then pick one and thank your spouse for having that characteristic. Greet your spouse warmly.

Some dares are more challenging. React in a loving way to a tough circumstance in your marriage. Rejoice with your spouse about an achievement. Give in on an area of disagreement. Give up doing something you like to do and instead spend time with your spouse. Eliminate any unrealistic expectations of your spouse. Decide if your parents are too involved in your marriage, and if so, do something to create distance and balance in your relationship. Remove any addictions or other influences that turn your heart away from your spouse. Prepare a special dinner and spend time talking to each other. Tell your spouse you will love him or her and remain married no matter what. Choose to forgive your spouse.

Some dares are specifically spiritually related. Pray for your spouse. Pray for strength and grace for yourself. Trust Jesus to forgive your sin and to change your heart so you can make Jesus the Lord of your life. Pray and read the Bible daily. Pray for your spouse and pray together with your spouse.

Quotables…

“Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated (see Luke 6:31).
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.” Pg 23

“Don’t wait until you feel like doing the right thing. Don’t wait until you feel in love with your spouse to invest in your relationship. Start pouring into your marriage and investing where your heart is supposed to be. Spend time with your spouse. Buy gifts. Write letters. Go on dates. The more you invest, the more your heart will value your relationship. This is what The Love Dare is all about—40 days of leading your heart back to loving your spouse.” Pg 213

Miscellaneous…

Questions to ask yourself:

• Do I truly want what is best for my husband or wife?
• Do I want him or her to feel loved by me?
• Does he or she believe I have his or her best interests in mind?
• Does he or she see me as looking out for myself first?
• When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse?
• What immediate need can you meet?
• What’s the next event (anniversary, birthday, holiday) you could be preparing for?
• How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around him or her?
• How does your behavior affect your mate’s sense of worth and self-esteem?
• Would your husband or wife say you’re a blessing, or that you’re condescending and embarrassing?
• Do you wish your spouse would quit doing the things that bother you? Then it’s time to stop doing the things that bother him or her.
• Will you be thoughtful and loving enough to discover and avoid the behavior that causes life to be unpleasant for your mate? Will you dare to be delightful?
• Think about how you treat your spouse’s physical body. Do you cherish it as your own? Do you treat it with respect and tenderness? Do you take pleasure in who he or she is? Or do you make your spouse feel foolish or embarrassed?
• Are you willing to bend to demonstrate love to your spouse? Or are you refusing to give in because of pride?
• Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? Jesus said to pray instead of quitting (Luke 18:1). Are you stressed out and worried? Prayer can bring peace to your storms (Philippians 4:6-7). Do you need a major breakthrough? Prayer can make the difference (Acts 12:1-17).
• Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse’s hidden faults? Do you really think it’s for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you.
• Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams? Do you fully understand how he or she prefers to give and receive love?
• Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why he or she struggles with them?

How this book has changed my marriage…

This book is a great reminder that loving my husband well is a daily effort. When you’ve been married for a while, it’s easy to take your spouse for granted. I tend to overlook his great qualities and focus on his faults or things that irritate me. This book has encouraged me to look for the positives, and to focus on what I can do to improve the relationship instead of wondering why he is not trying harder. The fairly easy Action Steps will help you to get started and not feel overwhelmed with thinking you have to change too much all at once. This is very difficult to do on my own, so I have discovered I need God’s strength to choose to love my husband unconditionally and to stop focusing on myself and my needs. Love needs to be a choice, not just a nice feeling. I find that when I choose to love my husband well by using the Action Steps suggested, he responds much more lovingly to me and we have a much happier marriage.

Book Information:
Book Title | The Love Dare
Author | Stephen and Alex Kendrick
Year of Publication | 2008
Publisher | B & H Publishing Group
Pages | 213

You should read this book if you…

want to understand the basic driving need of your spouse (the wife to feel loved/the husband to feel respected), and thus experience marriage the way God intended with peace, intimacy, and oneness.

“In a nut shell”…

Just as husbands ought to show unconditional love toward their wives, wives ought to show unconditional respect toward their husbands. If either is missing, a crazy cycle can result. Without love, wives react without respect. Without respect, husbands react without love.

Key Ideas…

• Ephesians 5:33 says a husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. This “Love and Respect Connection” is the key to any problem in a marriage. How the need for love and for respect interplay with each other will determine what kind of marriage you will have.
• The problem is that men and women see and hear differently—and so they often misread the signals they give each other. The wife then responds without respect, or the husband responds without love. Without love (her deepest need), she reacts without respect; without respect (his deepest need), he reacts without love. This is what the author refers to as the “crazy cycle.”
• The way to stop the crazy cycle is for one person in the marriage to commit to meeting the other person’s primary need. Counter to the crazy cycle is what the author calls the “energizing cycle.” This is when the wives show husbands respect and/or when husbands show wives love.  Her respect motivates his love; his love motivates her respect. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect.
• Wives have no trouble understanding the concept of unconditional love because they are wired that way. But to many women, the phrase unconditional respect feels like an oxymoron because a woman believes the husband must first earn her respect. The wife needs to learn to give her husband unconditional respect in tone and expression, while confronting his unloving behavior and likewise not condoning his unloving reactions.
• Ultimately, the real purpose behind showing love and respect to one another is to glorify God and obey Him. The husband’s love blesses regardless of how his wife responds. And her respect blesses regardless of how her husband responds. The author calls this the “rewarded cycle” because God will reward you for obeying Him.

Action Steps (for the wife)…

• Ask yourself: Is what I am about to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him?
• Even if you are feeling unloved by your husband, don’t pull back from being respectful toward him.
• When he is being harsh or perhaps stonewalling you, he is crying out for respect; his intent is not to be unloving.
• Ultimately, you show your reverence for Christ when you unconditionally respect your husband.
• If you have failed to respect him, do something respectful toward him.
• Don’t tell your husband that he must earn your respect. Simply respect his inner spirit created in God’s image.
• Don’t blame your lack of respect on his lack of love.

Action Steps (for the husband)…

• Ask yourself: Is what I am about to say or do going to feel unloving to her?
• Even if you are feeling disrespected by your wife, don’t pull back from being loving toward her.
• When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your love; her intent is not to be disrespectful.
• Ultimately, you show your reverence for Christ when you unconditionally love your wife.
• If you have failed to love her, do something loving toward her.
• Don’t tell your wife she must earn your love. Simply love her inner spirit created in God’s image.
• Don’t blame your lack of love on her lack of respect.

Quotables:

• “Every wife we’ve met wants her husband to appreciate how much she loves him, and she yearns to feel more love from him. What we try to share is that the best way to love a husband is to show him respect in ways that are meaningful to him. Such respect lets him feel his wife’s love for him and ignites in him feelings of love for his wife.”  Pg 19
• “C-H-A-I-R-S is an acronym that stands for six major values that your husband holds: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality. In Conquest, you will learn to appreciate his desire to work and achieve. Hierarchy deals with appreciating his desire to protect and provide. Authority covers appreciating his desire to analyze and counsel. Relationship helps you understand his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. Sexuality explains his desire for sexual intimacy. In these six areas, you will learn how to spell ‘respect’ to your husband.”  Pg 184
• “… in family matters, [the wife] is the hare and [the husband] is the turtle. You can tear down the track and leave him in the dust, but that will not make you win the race. Your respect will bring him out of his shell and motivate his movements. His movements will be much slower than you prefer, but it will do you little good to run circles around him, tapping on his shell with your stout stick of judgment. Be patient and make the following your motto: ‘If you can’t say anything respectfully, I won’t say anything at all.’” Pg 317

Statistics and Interesting facts…

• In a national survey in the United Sates, 400 men were asked if they would prefer to endure being left alone and unloved in the world OR feeling inadequate and disrespected by everyone. Seventy-four percent of these men said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in the world. In short, men need both love and respect. But if forced to choose, their deeper need is respect.

Miscellaneous…

• Cultural and personal applications may vary. For example, one woman was reared in a household dominated by her father’s values: education, intelligence, strength, and lack of emotions. On the other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full of unconditional love. As a result, the wife sought recognition and respect. The husband focused on unconditional love.  But at the core, the wife was actually focusing on respect in order to get love. Her husband was focused on love in order to get respect.

How this book has changed my marriage…

In a recent disagreement about how my husband wanted to spend his money on an expensive car, I sought to approach it in a respectful manner. Instead of being critical right away in my tone and facial expressions (which I would have done before reading this book), I calmly ask him to help me understand why this was important to him. I listened to his reasons without criticizing them. Even though in the end I do not share his same values, I was able to accept his reasons as being valid. It was much more productive than trying to prove to him why I was right and he was wrong, criticizing his reasoning, and getting worked up emotionally. This usually causes him to become more defensive and stubbornly hold on to his view even more. I think he felt respected (rather than condemned) by this approach and we avoided a major conflict, which could have launched us into a crazy cycle.

Book Information:
Book Title | Love and Respect
Author | Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Year of Publication | 2004
Publisher | Thomas Nelson
Pages | 324

You should read this book if you…

…want to gain a better understanding of how marriage can train you to be more Christ-like.

“In a nut shell” …

This book explains how marriage reveals God and His love to the world. This is done by comparing the marriage relationship to our relationship with God. It points out similarities in both, and how marriage teaches us to love, forgive, and respect each other.

Key Ideas…

• Marriage is a training ground for a holy life. We can’t just pray harder and try different tactics—and hope everything will work out. We need to see the challenges and struggles of marriage as a way to draw closer to God and grow in our Christian character.
• Marriage can be a platform for evangelism when it values commitment to another person, just as God is committed to His promises to us. Divorce is the easy way out, but it also demonstrates that commitment does not mean anything. If the purpose of marriage is always to be happy, people would get new marriages when they are no longer happy with the current one. “Sticking it out” demonstrates the principle and practice of reconciliation.
• Loving another person is not always easy, but marriage teaches us to stretch our love and enlarge our capacity for love. We are selfish by nature. It takes effort to give up our selfishness, share ourselves with another person, and put that person’s needs above our own.
• Marriage teaches the importance of respecting one another. When we spend so much time with one person, we can become “comfortable” with our spouse and find it easier to highlight faults than give respect. We are called to honor each other even when we know each other’s deepest character flaws.
• Marriage exposes our sin. Our spouse knows almost everything we do, including our deepest desires and our temptations. This spotlight of closeness in a marriage exposes our sin. Thankfully, we have an opportunity to address it before the Lord.
• When you enter the marriage relationship, you commit to moving toward one another. Any step back or attempt to retreat is an act of fraud.  We must learn to move toward our spouse; God has given us this person to teach us how to love.
• One of marriage’s primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive. If you can forgive and accept your spouse—the person closest to you—then you are well equipped to offer forgiveness to others. It may be unnatural for us to forgive, but the practice will be invaluable.

Action Steps…

• It is important to humble yourself before your spouse and learn servanthood. To fully sanctify the marital relationship, we must live as Jesus did—with sacrifice and service daily. Just as He laid down His life for us, we need to selflessly put aside our energy, wants, and desires to serve our spouses, regardless of how they treat us.
• Persevere through the difficulties and learn to be quick to forgive. With an eternal outlook, this life of self-denial is a preparation for eternity.
• Embracing difficulty builds character. God won’t remove the struggles, but He will enable you to walk through them victoriously.
• Learn to communicate always. Although this calls us out of ourselves, it helps foster unity and will be the foundation for a meaningful prayer life and a meaningful marriage.
• Live in continual dependence on the Holy Spirit. This take practice and is a discipline, for sure. We need to continually talk to God. It will become more natural over time.

Quotables…

• “The reason God became flesh was so that we might know Him; correspondingly, God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution for the benefit of humanity. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal spiritual existence.” Pg 30
• “Contempt is born when we fixate on our spouse’s weaknesses. Every spouse has those sore points. If you want to find them, without a doubt, you will. If you want to obsess about them, they’ll grow—but youwon’t!” Pg 70
• “With heaven as a future hope, spiritual growth as a present reality, and, in many cases, children for whom our sacrifice is necessary, an intact marriage is an ideal worth fighting for.” Pg 115
• “A good marriage is not something you find. It’s something you work for.” Pg 133
• “We can’t control how our spouse will act or how the world will act, but we can control how we will act and how we will respond.” Pg 144
• “Marriage based on life in Jesus Christ invites us to divorce the lie (an idealized view of our spouse) and embrace reality (two sinful people struggling to maintain lifelong commitment).” Pg 165
• “The beauty of marriage is that it confronts our selfishness and demands our service twenty-four hours a day.” Pg 186

How this book has changed my marriage…

This book has given me more of an awareness of how marriage can make me holy. It is still too early to see dramatic changes, but it has opened my eyes to see my selfishness. I am learning to daily humble myself and serve my husband, giving him respect even when I don’t think he deserves it. It has not been easy, but I can see a difference in our interactions with each other, moving closer toward each other again.

Book Information:
Book Title | Sacred Marriage
Author | Gary Thomas
Year of Publication | 2000
Publisher | Zondervan
Pages | 268

You should read this book if you…

Want to build successful relationships by experiencing and practicing authentic love in all aspects of your life.

“In a nut shell”…

This book will show you how authentic love can change and direct you to more meaningful and loving relationships, by taking you through seven traits of the language of love – kindness, patience, forgiveness, courtesy, humility, generosity and honesty.

Key Ideas…

The author’s definition of success is “leaving your corner of the world better than you found it.”  Therefore, to experience satisfying and successful relationships, we must value and love others as individuals. We must be willing to have an attitude of love that is willing to speak the love languages of others, especially when their way of receiving love differs from our own.

Authentic love is not dependent on the actions of others or circumstances; it is not self-centered; instead it displays an attitude of helping others, often in very small ways. So, it is simple, real and bold. ‘Love seeks the well-being of another and finds meaningful ways to express it.’. You have to make the choice to practice authentic love.

The seven traits that form the basis of the language of love:

• Kindness – ‘the joy of meeting someone else’s needs before your own simply for the sake of the relationship.’ It ‘means serving someone else even if it involves sacrifice.’ Kindness can never be used to manipulate others for one’s own gain.  Even if our kindness is rejected we must never give up hope that in time true love will change the person. Kindness is the most important love-trait of a successful marriage.  Small acts of kindness can save a marriage.
• Patience – when you allow others to make mistakes, have realistic expectations of others and recognize that each person’s reality is different from yours. “Every time we are frustrated, we have a choice. We can lash out with hurtful words or we can ask questions, listen, seek to understand and then choose to speak words that bring healing.”
• Forgiveness – requires self-awareness, honesty and compassion. Even though we are ‘moral creatures’ seeking justice when injustice is done, true forgiveness can only come when justice AND love work together. Even though our ‘default mode’ is self-centeredness, we can choose to show love and forgive. ‘No long-term positive relationships exist without forgiveness.’
• Courtesy – an act of treating everyone as a personal friend and acknowledging that they are valuable. We are courteous when we receive with gratitude, pay attention to others, say sorry, and speak courteously.
• Humility – a ‘stepping down so that someone else can step up’. We live in a world where we have to be the first and best, but true humility is when one chooses to remain anonymous to affirm the value of others. A ‘false self’ has no humility because it is always seeking self-affirmation. An attitude of humility is one which seeks to sacrifice joyfully and quietly for the sake of a relationship. Don’t let past hurts and pain stand in the way of leading a life of humility.
• Generosity – doesn’t just mean financial giving. We should have a generous attitude in all we do. Every time we share something with others, we must remember that we are sharing that which was a gift to us in the first place. A generous person gives of oneself by being present, by listening, by showing compassion and by making the other feel valuable. There is sacrifice involved in true generosity.
• Honesty – having a ‘loving consistency in speech, thought and action.’ Living a life of integrity, recognizing our own weaknesses and the importance of truth, being consistent in behavior, words, tone and meaning, taking risks for the sake of truth and keeping promises. Once trust is lost it is extremely difficult to build it back up.

Action Steps…

Ways to acquire the habit of each of the traits:

Kindness – start by observing acts of kindness; record every act of kindness daily; make an attitude change – desire to be kind; look for opportunities to be kind; choose kind words.  The enemy of kindness is bad habits.

Patience – try to be patient with people who are making you impatient. Find a ‘method to break negative patterns’ – like counting till 10! The enemy of patience is pride. We get impatient when we have been ‘inconvenienced, hurt or mistreated.’

Forgiveness – apologize for even the smallest of offences. Learn to forgive yourself, apologize for your own mistakes in your relationships and have an attitude of authentic love toward others. Fear is it’s enemy and stands in the way of forgiveness. But when you forgive someone your own heart is set free.

Courteous – start conversations with people as though they were your personal friends, give them your undivided attention, listen to understand, not judge, don’t raise your voice, and apologize graciously. Practice courtesy at home, with people who aggravate you and avoid ‘busyness’ which is the enemy of courtesy.

Humility – learn not to react to criticism; instead try to learn from the situation. Learn that you have nothing that you have not received, your knowledge of the universe is limited, and you are completely dependent on something outside yourself for life. The enemy of humility is pain.

Generosity – make a commitment to sacrifice part of your income to charity, use your abilities to benefit others, show a generous spirit to others no matter what and take time daily to show a loved one that you are interested in their well-being. The enemy of generosity is ‘our own self agenda’ .

Honesty – start by not telling even the smallest of lies on a daily basis, whether it be a white lie or not. We get into the habit of telling lies because of self-preservation which is the enemy of honesty.

In order to make the language of love a way of life, most of us need help from an outside source – God.

Quotables…

• “Anger should be a visitor, not a resident.” Pg 77
• “….if we don’t give from our “little,” we do not give out of our “much.””  Pg 146
• “The author Elizabeth Stone writes that having a child is like having “your heart go walking around outside your body.”” Pg 208
• “If the people in our world can rediscover the power of love in their everyday interactions, we can replace the darkness with light, the sickness with healing, the poverty with sustenance, and the brokenness with reconciliation.” Pg 229

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

• 79% of Americans think lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem.
• Acts of kindness release the body’s natural painkillers, the endorphins.
• Caring for other people in a positive relationship has been shown to improve the immune system.

How this has changed me…

This book has made me think bit more on love as a way of life.  It has made me want to make changes to how I love my husband, children, co-workers and strangers. I have been learning to apologize for my impatience and hurtful comments, and make sacrifices by giving of my time.  I am making an effort to be patient with my elderly parents, and give them my time with love and kindness.  With strangers, I am trying to show genuine interest and really listen to people I meet by making eye contact and writing down their names and small details I have garnered.

Book Information:
Book Title | Love as a Way of Life
Author | Gary Chapman
Year of Publication | 2010
Publisher | Waterbrook Press
Pages | 248