32. Book Review -- Have a New Husband by Friday

You should read this book if you…

Wonder why your husband never notices things you do, why you struggle to communicate with one another, or what happened to the man you married.

In a “nutshell”…

Healthy guys really want to please their wives. Learn more about your guy. Let him be the guy. Nagging, arguing, and manipulation may work temporarily, but causes resentment and long-lasting damage. Be the brave one and change your behavior. Within days your relationship with your husband will improve.

Key Ideas…

Improve your unhappy marriage by accepting that your husband is not your “girlfriend.” Understand that he thinks differently than you, and recognize that while the two of you are equal, you’re not the same.
Learn about and accept his strengths. Allow them to flourish in your relationship.
Expect to see attitude, behavior, and communication changes in your spouse.

Action Steps…

Dr. Leman provides a five-day plan to have a new husband by Friday.

MONDAY:

Studies show there are differences between the male and female brain. Men and women behave, feel, think, verbalize, and respond differently.
Men are sexually aroused by appearance; woman normally prefer interaction. Women expect detailed conversations. A man may have only one good friend, while women tend to have several.
These differences can make a woman think her husband doesn’t want to be a good husband, but it may be that he just doesn’t know how.

TUESDAY:

Boys are often rough, competitive, and goofy. Try to understand that your husband still has that “boy” in him.
His relationship with his mother still influences him today. Did she provide acceptance, belonging, and companionship? How did his father treat his mother? These dynamics influence a man’s expectations in marriage.
Remember your husband still wants acceptance, belonging, and companionship.

WEDNESDAY:

Talk so he’ll listen:
1. Talk when the timing is right.
2. Be sure to have his attention. (Touching him is helpful.)
3. Don’t share all the details (as you might with a girlfriend). Give him the facts. And give him time to reflect; don’t expect an immediate reply.
4. Talk directly and respectfully.

Ask him to do things in a way that he will want to do them.
1. Be specific (what, time, and why).
2. Ask him and then walk away.
3. Do not resort to hinting, nagging, or complaining. If he doesn’t do it, the reality of an undone chore will be convicting.
4. If your husband prefers a list, make it short. Show your appreciation for the things he accomplishes.

Realize your husband sometimes says stupid things.
1. Resist giving “the look” when he says something that seems thoughtless or disconnected.
2. Ask him to tell you more. You may discover there is more to what he is saying.

THURSDAY

Your husband needs to know he is understood, respected, and needed.

1. Marital satisfaction means sexual satisfaction to most men. To most women, it doesn’t.
2. To men, sex is like “the great problem solver”; it is a pressure release.
3. Making love to your husband has the power to heal differences you may have. The intimacy he feels convinces him he is loved.

Enhance your relationship using the 5 languages of love: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

FRIDAY:

Marriage is hard work, but it’s worth the effort.

1. Put your husband first. This makes him feel wanted, respected, and fulfilled. His natural response will be to do the same for you.
2. A smart woman allows her man to lead. Instead of asking “What’s in it for me?” she asks the question, “Do I want to live happily ever after?” If yes, she allows her husband to lead, love, and serve her. In return, she will generally discover that her husband will knock himself out to be a good husband.

Allowing your husband to lead is simply allowing him to be the man. It does not mean you are choosing to be submissive. Submission in marriage is mutual.

Quotable…

“Do you really want to be ‘the same’ as your husband? Or do you want a guy who will see you as his equal partner in life—not the same as him but treasured because of how your differences work so well and excitingly together?” Pg 30
“Men are different, and we like being different.” Pg 33
“Some women treat their husbands as a third or fourth child, then complain when they act like one.” Pg 182
“When I walked down that flower-strewn aisle, my lifelong job became to understand Sandra. To love her as she wants and needs to be loved. In the same way, when you said, ‘I do,’ your job became to please, respect, and honor your husband. Not an easy job, but it’s simple. And the rewards are simply incredible.” Pg 183

“THE TOP TEN COUNTDOWN TO HAVING A NEW HUSBAND BY FRIDAY” (Pg 203)

10. Respect what he says.
9. Tell him how important he is.
8. Tell him how much you need him.
7. Pursue him.
6. Don’t correct him or make fun of him. Don’t unearth past misdeeds.
5. Don’t talk down to him. He’s your husband, not your child.
4. Touch him physically. One caress can last a long time and will really get his attention.
3. Say nice things about him and to him.
2. Eliminate the words why, never, and always from your vocabulary. (When you speak in extremes, you stop honest communication cold.)
1. Think about what you’re going to say and divide the amount of words by ten.

Miscellaneous…

Leman wants women to realize some general realities of divorce:

1. It is important to be aware of the long-term effects divorce will have on you and your children.
2. Divorce has a high emotional, relational, and financial cost.
3. Prepare for your future by understanding the divorce laws, your finances, child custody options, and where you will live.
4. Have a plan for employment or continuing your education.

If you are in a dangerous and violent relationship you must leave. You need an escape plan so that you can get out and stay out. Do not go to a nearby friend’s house. If possible, find a women’s shelter. Seek legal counsel and file charges with the authorities.

How this has changed my marriage.

The 5 languages of love work! I’ve found it’s rewarding to combine two or more of them. Giving my husband a cup of hot chocolate with a kind comment are small gestures that make him feel appreciated.

Now that we are both retired, it would be easy just to follow an uninspired daily routine. To keep things interesting, I’ve decided to do more things that my spouse will appreciate. Recently my husband was disappointed to see that some of his favorite work clothes were quite shabby. My first thought was, “Let’s go shopping!” Instead, I patched old jeans, mended a sweatshirt, and replaced missing buttons. My husband liked his “new” clothes.

Dr. Leman’s discussion regarding male and female differences encouraged me to consider how my husband and I manage chores. I realized that he does a lot more work than I do! He does all the yard work and house repairs. It occurred to me that he might be overworked and not enjoying his retirement. We discussed my concerns and I learned that he enjoys working hard. I now show more appreciation for all his hard work and attempt to assist on some of his projects. “Have New Husband by Friday” encouraged us to discuss topics we haven’t considered for a long time.

Biblical Topics:

Book Review